Are you ready
for divorce mediation

If you are one of those readers who are not willing to go through another Holiday Eve with your spouse.

If when thinking of sharing a dinner all you had in mind was one thing, then you must be emotionally overwhelmed at the moment, and your brain is working over time.

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When starting to consider a breakup seriously, there are dozens of things to calculate and to take in mind, and it’s stressful. But not all questions are equally as urgent, and some of them (“when can I introduce my girlfriend to the kids?”), can wait. On the other hand, a question that cannot wait, is: is your divorce suitable for mediation?

That is why I built the following multiple choice questionnaire for you:

1. In your opinion, is the court going to solve not only your legal issue but also your personal issues with your spouse?

• Yes, a court will prove to anyone that my husband is an asshole who broke my heart, and will tear his a** apart for cheating on me with my best friend.

• No, a courtroom is no Dr. Phil, and in reality, the court only cares about how the law applies to the division of our marital assets, to the payment of child support, and to the child custody.

2. What do you think about what people tell you about their divorce?

• I have a few divorced friends, and they told me that in the court, I f**k her up. They had really good Lawyers, and it is not so expensive as everybody thinks.

• Everyone’s a big know-it-all when I tell them we are separating, but no one can reassure me that they know what happens if our case gets to court.

3. You and the person you lived with see things entirely different at the moment, and it’s a sign for…

• A mediation is not an option. You should have seen us at the Holiday Dinner, we can’t agree on passing the salt, how can we agree on a shared custody?

• We need a divorce. It is obvious that if we could find an understanding, we would have stayed together, after all, we have a lot to lose. Still, we have some shared values, kids matter to both of us, and we both looking to go on with our lives.

4. The court relies on standards, and that’s…

• Good, because I know the law, and in court, I’ll f**k her up.

• Problematic, because what makes a standard to the court might have nothing to do in any way to our lives. A mediation will allow us to form an agreement that would fit our specific family, as we know it.

5. Mediators charge at least a $100 + tax an hour, from each side (means $200 + tax a working hour). Good Lawyers charge between $250-$500 + tax for an hour of mediation, and Former Judges who does mediation charge even more. Your opinion?

• It’s a lot, there is no way I’m paying all that much for seeing her face and to hear about what I have to give away for her. With that money, I lawyer up and f**k her up.

• It’s a lot, but if we do it without messing around, we can end it quickly, and in this case, time is money. If we stand to each other in court, each of us will spend around $15,000 for a common Lawyer and no less than $25,000 + tax for a decent one. In any case, we are both about to decrease our standard of living, isn’t it a shame? we can save that money for the kids.

6. You heard of couples who are in mediation for six months, what do you think about it?

• It is such a torture to be so dependent on a person you can’t stand seeing anymore. In my case, I’m sure she’ll try to drag it for as much as she could, just for squeezing the life out of me. There’s no point.

• If we are not divorcing with consent, in a courtroom it could take years. If he really doesn’t want to let go of the relations, a courtroom is a festival for him. But I don’t want to see myself in Christmas in three years, standing in front of him in court. I want to be on my trip to Africa with the kids and my new boyfriend.

7. Mediation has Psychological advantages - True or False?

• I don’t give a rat’s a**, I’m not afraid of her. In any case I have almost zero encounters with her, and our kids are not that little anymore either, they see what’s up and knows who I’m dealing with.

• I don’t give a rat’s a**, I’m not afraid of taking him up to court. But kids are still kids, and for them, it is a nightmare watching mommy and daddy suing each other in court.

8. Let’s say it was possible to ensure that if you file a lawsuit, then at court you had a good chance to leave the marriage with more money than at mediation, how will it affect you?

• In such case, I go to court. Only money dictates how my life will look like in the future.

• I have to think about it. Money matters, but not more than my kid’s mental health. Besides, I don’t hate her and don’t want to hate her. A mediation could allow us both to go on with our lives with a respected manner of who we are, without destroying the story of our marriage.

Results:

If you chose A mostly, you probably haven’t made it to this paragraph, because you are reading this article on your phone, on your way to a Lawyer. But if you chose B mostly, it is reassuring to know that there are people such as yourselves, and your kids are also lucky. Still, it is important that you would know, that even if you are a person of such values, who are most likely to end things at a mediation, there are some exceptional scenarios, in which mediation is not necessarily the ultimate answer, and they are:

• If your relationship was violent, and you are afraid of your spouse, a mediation might not be the answer for you, and the right thing is to break up the marriage when you are defended by a Lawyer and not influenced by an Ex who knows how to manipulate you.

• If you are suspecting that money or assets are being hidden from you, a mediation could waste a valuable time in which illegal actions will take place behind your back.

• If your spouse is suffering from a specific mental illness (for real, not a one you diagnosed), he might not be mentally capable of seeing the big picture, and act rationally, as required at a mediation.

• If your spouse is too angry, you might find out he is using the mediation just to punish you. Although it might not have to be much of a risk, and the mediation might still worth a shot.

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In conclusion, Freud said, “The first human who hurled a curse instead of a weapon against his adversary was the founder of civilization”. He meant that as soon as violent symbols replaced weapons as a way of solving daily personal conflicts, we made progress. With referring to Freud’s paraphrase, despite all of the aggression you might express in the coming months if you are getting a divorce and will go to a mediation, keep in mind that you are the ones to take the civilized road.