Understanding Love Languages: A Journey of Self-Discovery

How Dr. Gary Chapman’s Theory Can Transform Relationships

Not long ago, I filled out a questionnaire on the website of Gary Chapman, a minister with an anthropology background and the author of the best-selling book "The Five Love Languages." Originally published in English in 1995, Chapman's book presents the idea that the five primary languages people use to communicate love are receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

This approach, while it may seem superficial at first glance, breaks down the marital relationship into five essential areas. It has a solid internal logic: each person has a primary and secondary love language, and we tend to express love in the language we prefer to receive it.

Chapman explains that couples often get stuck in their relationships because they do not speak their partner's preferred love language. A marriage therapist acts as an interpreter, identifying the languages used by the couple and clarifying each partner's needs and desires. The key to breaking out of negative cycles is to learn each other's love language and express love in a way that resonates with the partner. Here’s what Chapman's questionnaire revealed about me:

Amalia, thank you for filling out the "Love Language Profile for Couples" to discover your love language. This is the first and most important step to understanding your love language. With the information you will receive, you will be able to share with your spouse and love them in ways they will appreciate more. This is just the tip of the iceberg: to fully understand your love language, we recommend reading Dr. Chapman's book. It will help you grasp the concepts we touch upon in this message.

What Your Love Language Profile Means:

Amalia, the highest score indicates your primary love language—how you understand your partner’s expressions of love. Getting two high scores (the highest possible score is 12) is common, although for most people, one language usually has a slight edge. The lower scores belong to languages you rarely use to communicate love and probably do not affect you emotionally in your relationship. Here are your scores:

• Words of Affirmation: 10

• Physical Touch: 8

• Quality Time: 6

• Acts of Service: 5

• Receiving Gifts: 1

  
  

Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words for you, Amalia. This is your dominant love language—spontaneous compliments are your thing. Hearing “I love you” is important, but knowing the reasons behind the love is even more powerful. Insults can crush you and are not easily forgotten. Encouragement and positive words breathe life into you.

Physical Touch For you, Amalia, physical touch is not limited to the bedroom. As someone whose main love language is touch, you are very sensitive. Hugs, back pats, hand-holding, and touching the arm, shoulder, or face express excitement, concern, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are essential, while neglect or abuse can be devastating. Physical contact fosters your sense of security and belonging.

Five Love Languages Couples get stuck because each of us naturally tends to give love in the language we prefer to receive it (Image: Dalia Meiri, Hug, 2016) Photo: Maoz Israel Publishing House

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Quality Time Nothing says “I love you” more than undivided attention. You need someone to really be there for you—no distractions, no multitasking. Quality time is significant for you, making you feel special and especially loved. However, you can be deeply hurt by a distracted partner or lack of focus.

Acts of Service Is vacuuming an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything that eases the burden of responsibility expresses great emotion. Hearing “Let me do that for you” means the world to someone whose love language is acts of service. Laziness, broken commitments, and added burdens make such people feel unappreciated. For you, this language is important but not the most crucial.

Receiving Gifts Don’t mistake this for materialism. For people whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift matter most. The perfect gift or gesture shows that you are seen, cared for, and valued. Missing a birthday or giving thoughtless gifts can cause anger and sadness. Everyday gestures are visual representations of love. For you, Amalia, this is the least significant love language.