Understanding Anger: A Healthy Emotion in Therapy

Exploring the Role of Anger in Emotional Well-being and Empowerment

Psychologist: Do you like emotions?

Patient: Yes.

Psychologist: So why are you trying to change them?

Les Greenberg, a pioneer in emotion-focused therapy (EFT) for over 30 years, argues that psychology often mishandles emotions. One such emotion is anger. In the past, I've written about how our aversion to anger is problematic, especially in parenting. Many parents teach their children that even wanting to say "no" is forbidden and bad instead of teaching them how to express it politely.

When a child grows up in an environment where every expression of anger or attempt to maintain boundaries is harshly criticized, they may develop passive aggression. As adults, such individuals struggle to express their aggression directly, accept responsibility for their aggressive tendencies, say "no," and adapt boundaries to their needs.

As an emotion-focused couples therapist, I often feel that anger doesn't get the recognition it deserves. In the model I was trained in, led by Sue Johnson, anger is treated as a secondary emotion masking underlying sadness.

True sadness includes self-compassion and brings relief, allowing a person to hold both positive and negative thoughts. In contrast, defensive sadness involves self-attack and leads to despair.

Sometimes, sadness that appears primary is actually defensive, used to avoid real mental pain—anger. With these thoughts, I approached Dr. Greenberg for clarification.

What do we not understand about anger?

Dr. Greenberg explains, "We usually see anger as destructive, an emotional explosive. But sometimes, anger can be an appropriate response to reality. This kind of anger is crucial for our health. We must distinguish between strengthening or assertive anger and destructive or rejecting anger."

Can you differentiate between them?

"Destructive anger focuses on blaming others, with a message of 'You are bad.' Empowering anger focuses on reestablishing personal boundaries and communicates 'I am angry!' This type of anger protects our boundaries, an evolutionary emotion aiding survival by encouraging self-protection."

What is the difference between anger and complaint?

"A complaint blends anger and sadness. A person who complains neither fully expresses their anger nor their sadness, leading to a state of protest like 'How could you do this to me?' or 'It shouldn’t be like this.'

"When I hear a patient stuck in complaints, I know they are both angry and sad but can’t separate the two emotions. They fear sadness, a vulnerable emotion, and anger, a socially unacceptable emotion.

"However, merging these emotions inhibits both. Neither completes its course of action or reaches a resolution. If the person feels assertive anger, it strengthens and motivates them. Healthy anger reestablishes boundaries, restoring unjustly taken power, rights, and resources or removing harmful factors from life. Similarly, feeling sadness allows for grieving, releasing hurt, and moving on. As long as anger and sadness are fused, the person remains in victimhood and complaint."

You believe in the importance of anger, yet many view it as a symptom to be cured.

"True, and for years even the Buddhist tradition didn’t allow the Dalai Lama to accept that anger could be healthy. Eventually, discussions led to recognizing anger as important for survival.

"Anger has essential properties when boundaries are violated. In a feminist or oppression context, we recognize empowering anger more easily. It helps build identity and fight for rights when violated or persecuted."