Title: Embracing Vulnerability in Relationships: Insights from Couples Therapy

How Understanding Pain and Openness Can Strengthen Bonds

One of the things that is especially difficult to explain to couples in distress is the difference between being hurt and being vulnerable. Many couples get involved at the exact point where each of them feels that their pain is crying out to heaven, when in fact the only thing that is crying out to heaven is how they deal with their pain. There are those who scream in pain, and their partner mainly hears the screams, and there are those who, when they are in pain, go into the den to lick their wounds, and their partner stands outside the den alone and thinks they are simply not interested in being around them.

As couples advance in the joint process, more and more moments of vulnerability occur, which in most cases bring the parties closer together. Over time, these moments serve as beacons, the flashes that signal we are on the right path.

The thing is, sometimes it's very frustrating. These moments pass quickly, and it's hard to hold on to them. When you feel vulnerable, it is very clear, but when you talk about it, it is not always clear what it is about. To this end, the book by Michal Livdinsky and Shai Avivi, "Happily and Richly: The Real Story," is a lovely document and a masterful example of how the exposure of vulnerability brings two specific partners closer together. It is a relatable story because they are human and real.

I have selected a few passages that I think reflect this book at its best. The first one is called "Marital Manic Depression," and when I first read it, I laughed out loud:

"How cute he is, such a stunning man, and how he keeps the house, you can trust him with your eyes closed, and I love his jokes, his humor the most. It's true that he's getting a little older, but he's the type that gets better with age, Sean Connery style. How I won a man like that, kind-hearted, tidy, sometimes a bit too obsessive, I'd say, let everything be in place, what's up, you can't live in a museum! And his annoying face is the best Right... but the most annoying thing is how loud can a person be? When he's taking a shower, even when he's not feeling well, how crazy! We understand that your head hurts It happened to everyone at home, he will soon get an Oscar for the fact that his back is caught [...] Sometimes I just want to go and slam the door behind me, the door that by the way he fixed today, it creaked a bit in the last few days and he immediately fixed it. It's a pleasure to know that what needs to be done is done, without even having to ask, he does everything on his own. And he is such a good father, plays with the children, goes wild with them, I look at them rioting together and melt [...]."

This text conveys vulnerability on two different levels. One layer is in front of the main recipient, i.e., in front of the husband. This sense, the most significant, almost lifts a veil over what happens in the best moments of couples therapy, at least to me. These moments are not necessarily the ones where couples talk about their darkest secrets. Sometimes, they are the sharing of this complexity that Livdinsky describes in this passage. It presents an authentic sharing of the existence of the two voices: the one that wants to move away, and the one that wants to get closer. These two do not produce an average, but a movement between the poles.

The second layer of vulnerability is that of the writers versus the readers. The humor protects the authors, who are well-known characters even before the book appeared, but nevertheless, it is a considerable exposure, and it is clear that many will have something to say. Exposure at this level invites criticism of the form (the "Badulina" vibe will not be to everyone's taste) and the content (one could argue that the book has a heteronormative bias that may alienate some readers). At the same time, as a reader, I feel that this exposure brings me emotionally closer to the voices speaking to me from within the pages.

Readers can feel that the ability to share vulnerability with their partner and readers is the result of emotional work that Livdinsky and Avivi have done over the past decades, and maybe even a lifetime. After all, it is difficult when the road is continuous. In emotion-focused couple therapy, we see again and again that the exposure of vulnerability is based on the ability of each partner to bear their own vulnerability. As long as we are unable to bear our pain and run away from it, all our partner can see is the act of running away.

In this context, the book also allows a closer look at the private process of bearing the pain. This special aspect of the book stands out in the section called "Simplicity," where the author describes her attitude to the moment when her husband checks with her if she wants sex.

"Here is the normal procedure of what usually happens to me:

1. Guilt - for not responding

2. Fear - to reflect on others

3. Frustration - on the loop of the tireless male sexual urge

5. Despair - how the hell do you solve the challenging equation in such a way that: man + woman + children + her neighbor = happiness and wealth, not frustration and bitterness."

The segment continues, and we follow the speaker and get an honest and unusual picture of how she, as a subject with a separate center of experience of the world, deals with her unpleasant feelings, holds them, stays with them, and instead of running away from them or taking control of them, manages to place herself in front of them with self-compassion.

For these two reasons, and thanks to the intelligence and grace, the book can serve as an inspiration to anyone who is trying to put aside their weapons and armor and dare to get closer to their partner.