The Power of Small Steps: Overcoming Habitual Challenges

A Journey Through Gradual Change for Lasting Transformation

When Mirita and Michael decided they were ready to start a family, their marital happiness was overshadowed by a significant issue: Mirita’s daily use of weed to alleviate her back pain. While both agreed on the importance of quitting smoking, they clashed over the best approach. Michael, who had quit smoking and started running daily with ease, believed Mirita should simply stop her habit too. This difference in perspective created friction in their relationship.

Michael’s success in abruptly changing his habits made him less empathetic towards Mirita’s struggles. Despite his efforts to support her, he secretly viewed her as having a weak character. Mirita, too, couldn't understand why she found it so difficult to quit when, in her mind, it seemed so straightforward.

In couple's therapy, the issue of Mirita’s withdrawal from weed was addressed. The first step was to normalize Mirita’s difficulty. It was explained that while some people, like Michael, can make changes swiftly, for many others, this approach is ineffective. Motivation, after all, is not just about understanding the benefits of change but also about having a sense of ability to achieve it. This insight was inspired by addiction psychiatrist Prof. Shaoli Lev-Ran, whose teachings have proven invaluable.

A key aspect of motivation is a sense of competence. Reflecting on my childhood, I remembered my friend Gilly, who struggled with math despite my constant encouragement. He had failed so many times that his confidence was shattered, diminishing his motivation. The lesson here is that to increase motivation, we must first boost the sense of competence.

Gradual change, starting with small, manageable steps, is crucial. According to Shaoli Lev-Ran’s criterion, the initial steps should be something the person is 95% confident they can achieve. This approach not only builds competence but also protects it from further damage.

For instance, in therapy, we set realistic goals for Mirita. Initially, she was to avoid smoking before noon on three days a week. Once she achieved this, the plan progressed to abstaining from smoking entirely on specific days. Over time, these small successes paved the way for a complete detox.

Years later, the lessons learned from Mirita and Michael’s experience continue to be relevant. Whether it’s adopting a healthier lifestyle, sticking to a new hobby, or committing to a creative process, starting with achievable goals is key. The likelihood of success in dieting increases if you gradually reduce sweets rather than eliminating them entirely at once. Similarly, writing a book becomes more manageable if you start with a modest goal, like dedicating two hours a week to it.

Remember the 95% rule when setting your initial goals. Once you achieve these, your chances of making significant behavioral changes in your life will improve. Reflecting on this, I wish I had known this wisdom at a younger age; perhaps I could have been more effective in helping my friend.