The Power of 'No' in Negotiations: Techniques for Everyday Situations

How to Leverage Negative Responses to Achieve Positive Outcomes

A few years ago (B.C. - Before Corona), I wrote some columns inspired by Never Split the Difference, the masterful guide to negotiating by Christopher Voss, who specialized in negotiating with terrorists. In one column, I expanded on situations where we try to convince others to see the benefits of something they don't yet recognize. One technique that can bring us closer to our goal is recognizing that people like to say "no." Refusal gives us confidence. Our brain says, "Better safe than sorry," and we often give up opportunities. Understanding this mechanism can help us when trying to get others to agree with us.

Due to space constraints, I didn't provide enough examples in that column, and the feedback was justified. Today, I want to address that and demonstrate the idea with various examples. Let's start with an example from Voss's book. When a salesperson calls and asks, "Are you comfortable talking now?" they might also ask, "Am I bothering you?"

Using 'No' to Your Advantage

Even during lockdown, on the way to "yes," you pass by "no." This is how you negotiate with terrorists (and with family members).

These two questions seem similar, but they increase the chance of opposite answers. If I ask, "Are you comfortable talking now?" and the answer is "No," I didn't get what I wanted. But if I ask, "Am I bothering you?" and the answer is "No," I achieved my goal.

Everyday Examples

Let's say I made plans with a friend for Monday at seven in the evening, and I need to reschedule. I could ask, "Is it okay if we postpone the meeting to next Monday?" But I could also say, "I need to move our meeting this week. Is that a problem?" In the first example, I don't want a negative answer. In the second, I want a negative answer, which is effectively a positive response to my request.

This method of inviting "no" can illustrate to our partner that it's worth reconsidering their position because of significant costs. For instance, if I'm trying to convince someone to collaborate on a big project, but they keep delaying, I have two options. I can confront them and ask, "Are you interested in continuing to work with me?" Or I can say, "Would you rather stop here, give up the partnership, and let me find a new partner?" Given the human attraction to "no," the latter approach increases the chance of getting a renewed commitment.

The Deep Use of 'No'

Using "no" is not just a sales technique. In deeper contexts, it helps us present our point of view: "Do you want our society to be remembered as one that discriminates against the disabled?" "Do you want to spend all your pocket money before the holidays?" "Do you want to hang out tonight but risk not being invited again?" The pursuit of "no" can flood our point of view effectively.

Using this method requires preparation and practice, but it can be mastered. Most negotiation situations are familiar enough to allow us to prepare questions that lead to the desired "no" response. Another advantage is that people feel more comfortable and relaxed when they can say "no," making conversations easier to start and more productive.

Recommendations by Amalia Rosenblum

Documentary: Man on Wire (2008)

In the summer of 1974, Philippe Petit enlisted friends to stretch a steel cable between the Twin Towers and walk on it. Their secret operation overcame security obstacles, resulting in James Marsh's fascinating film about courage, imagination, and friendship.

Book: Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann (Am Oved, 2013)

Set on the day Philippe Petit walked a tightrope, this literary masterpiece intertwines the lives of diverse characters in 1970s New York. Translated into over 30 languages and winning numerous awards, it's a book I will never lend—let others buy their own copy.

Family Activity: Making a Board Game

I was born in New York in 1974 and grew up in Jaffa in the '80s. On rainy days, my brother and I made board games. Creating the game was as exciting as playing it. Recently, my son and I made a car racing game, using cardboard, markers, scissors, and dice. The preparation was enjoyable, and playing with family brought immense pride and joy.

Creating and playing board games is a wonderful way to engage children, encourage creativity, and spend quality time away from screens.

By understanding the power of "no" and using it effectively, we can navigate negotiations and everyday interactions more successfully. This approach, combined with creative and educational activities, can enhance our relationships and personal growth.