The Myth of “Therapy” Through Hobbies: Understanding Emotions Beyond Surface-Level Solutions

Why Baking Cakes Won't Heal Deep Emotional Wounds

One of the favorite phrases for people who are not aware of their feelings is, “This is my therapy.” This sentence usually refers to some kind of sport or cooking—relaxing and benevolent actions that can perhaps help alleviate the frustration from a co-worker who was late for a meeting. But these activities rarely create a real change in our emotional state. It’s rare that my intense and spontaneous negative emotional response to such situations is tempered by baking a cake, even if it’s a layer cake.

According to the emotion-centered individual therapy approach, which I began discussing in the previous column, the reason lies in the way emotions work. My reaction to my late partner is based on a primary emotional reaction (Primary Maladaptive Emotion), stemming from an emotional schema likely formed due to past traumatic experiences where it was useful, but it is no longer effective in the current situation.

We all display ineffective emotional reactions that haunt us in various situations. If I am sad when others are happy, if genuine care from someone fills me with anger, or if I constantly feel insecure, worthless, or ashamed, these may indicate the presence of primal feelings trapped inside me. For instance, if I feel shame when a client looks at their phone, suspecting their dissatisfaction with my partner’s lateness, it likely stems from childhood experiences where authority figures shamed me when they couldn’t handle their frustrations.

Another type of emotion that plays a significant role in our lives is secondary emotional reactions (Secondary Emotions). These are responses to the initial emotional reaction, which is uncomfortable in itself. If I feel shame in front of an impatient customer, I might transition to anger towards my partner. This anger might not be effective for my relationship, but it moderates the discomfort I felt from shame.

The reason why baking cakes is not therapy is that it can only help me manage my anger, the secondary emotion. The real issue lies in my ineffective primary emotion, the emotional “pus” that needs to be drained, which no sport can achieve. With these insights, I continued my conversation with Prof. Lez Greenberg. In the previous column, Greenberg explained why insight-based therapy is ineffective, and this time he discusses why cognitive-behavioral therapy also doesn’t solve problems but only alleviates symptoms.

What is the biggest mistake in our relationship with emotions?

“From the general public’s perspective, the biggest mistake is thinking that emotions are destructive and harmful, and that it’s better not to feel them. This misconception suggests we need to control our emotions and be strong, underpinned by the erroneous belief that emotions are irrational.

“But if we look at the psychological community, the biggest mistake is related to how emotions are created. Many therapists believe that emotions are created by cognitions, i.e., thoughts. They argue that the way I think about certain things makes me feel good or bad about them. For example, if I think you’re going to reject me, I’ll feel fear.”

And where is the mistake here?

“The mistake is that the crucial question is why I think you are going to reject me in the first place. According to the emotion-focused therapy approach, I think you will reject my proposals because I initially feel great insecurity or inability, and this feeling produces the thought that you will reject me.”

So our biggest mistake is believing that thoughts produce feelings?

“Yes, it’s the opposite. Emotions are the most basic way we experience ourselves. Descartes said, ‘I think, therefore I am,’ but the truth is, ‘I feel, therefore I am.’ In socially complex situations where we process deep emotions, thinking is involved. But in most cases, feelings affect thoughts. When you feel anger, you start thinking angry thoughts. When you feel sad, you start thinking sad thoughts. It’s not the sad thoughts that make you sad.”

What does this imply about cognitive-behavioral therapy or coaching?

“Cognitive therapies help people manage their emotions when they’re not dealing with them well,” Greenberg laughs. “This type of treatment tries to change your thinking in the hope of changing your feelings.

“For example, if I feel worthless, a cognitive-behavioral therapist will convince me that there are people who love me and that I am not really worthless. This process can help me superficially deal with worthlessness, but ultimately, in specific situations, I will have to constantly talk to myself to moderate my emotional reactions through thoughts.”

Are you saying that a person with a fear of public speaking should not go to cognitive therapy that promises to treat this difficulty?

“With cognitive therapy, they will teach you to tell yourself before a lecture, ‘It’s okay, I’ve done it a hundred times before, look at the people here, notice that they are kind.’ This requires a lot of self-control to manage anxiety by talking to yourself.

“This approach can help temporarily, but it doesn’t solve the problem. It doesn’t address the emotional layer, where the core problem lies. If this is treated, instead of talking to yourself when you feel anxious, you’ll get up to speak in front of a group and won’t feel anxious.”