The Inevitable Imperfection of Parenting: Navigating Emotional Wounds

Understanding the Role of Emotional Validation in Raising Emotionally Healthy Children

One of the most frustrating aspects of my work as a therapist is recognizing the inevitable failures of parenting. Again and again, I hear from parents who did their best but missed their children in critical ways. These children—who are all of us—may carry emotional wounds with them decades later.

Some of us organize our whole lives around these wounds, trying to minimize contact with them. Others are aware of their existence but move on. Sometimes, when a loved one accidentally touches this wound, we see them as a monster. Despite the heavy price, parental error seems inevitable. We have to be parents of some kind, and it's likely we might get it wrong at some point.

Is the picture really so bleak? I spoke with psychologist Liz Greenberg to understand what message he has for parents based on his work with the EFT approach. The answers I received were encouraging. Greenberg does not judge the psychological contribution of the parent to the child by the child's degree of satisfaction (thankfully) but by the child's ability to process their emotions properly.

"First of all, parents need to recognize their children's feelings. After parents notice the children's feelings, they need to know how to validate these feelings and respond to them with empathy. For example, if your child is sad, the basis of parental action is the parent's ability to recognize this feeling. But it is not enough to see that they are sad; you need to know how to respond to this sadness. The correct response teaches the child to process their feelings. Therefore, a statement like 'You have no reason to be sad' is an unsuccessful response because it does not teach the child to digest what they are feeling. When you see that your child is sad, the right response begins with 'I see that you are really sad.'"

In other words, a prerequisite for parents' ability to recognize children's feelings is understanding that some emotions are painful, and that for the sake of our mental health, we must not try to push the pain away immediately. Rather, healthy emotional processing is based on a person's ability to recognize the fact that they are sad and feel the pain involved.

When we eliminate the child's painful feelings or teach them to repress, ignore, or be ashamed of them, we disrupt their emotional mechanism.

"Our role as parents is to teach our children to process their emotions properly. We don't have to be satisfied with recognition and validation; we can also guide the children when they face emotional difficulties and help them process uncomfortable feelings optimally.

"If I see that my child is offended by their sibling and runs away to their room, I might think, 'Very well, let them go to their room, they will calm down and then come out.' But I improve the child's emotional mechanism much more if I approach the child and say: 'I saw that you were offended, but maybe instead of running away to your room, you should try to talk about it with your sibling?' I see you're angry, but maybe instead of hitting Johnny in the head with a toy truck, try telling him you're angry? Maybe you should explain it to him in words?'"

It sounds like there is a parallel between the role of the parent and the role of an emotion-focused therapist. In both cases, empathic reflection is not enough.

"That's true. One of the roles of the parent is to train their children to manage their emotions. This training is based on our ability to identify the child's emotional state and respond to it with empathy. When we do this, an intimate bond is created between us and the child, forming the basis that allows us to guide them. This is parallel to what we see in the emotion-centered treatment process between the therapist and the patient.

"Meanwhile, it is clear that raising children is complicated and that no one has a clear idea of the right way to do it. At this point, I want to say something that is true about both parenting and therapy: the overarching principle is to respond to the patient in a way that suits them. This means that as a therapist, you react differently to different patients, just as you react differently to the same patient at different times. The same principle applies to parenting, where you have to deal with your child in a way that suits their current emotional state."

What is the most common mistake that parents make in the emotional sphere of their children?

"The most common mistake is denying the emotion that the child expresses. Not necessarily as an attempt to calm down, but sometimes to divert attention from the emotion and not talk about it. Sayings like 'don't be a baby, be strong' are examples of this common error. Many families don't talk about feelings. But this can only happen when the parents themselves feel comfortable with their feelings; otherwise, they won't be able to feel comfortable with their children's feelings."

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