The Importance of Genuine Listening: How to Support a Friend in Emotional Distress

Understanding and addressing the real concerns behind a friend's complaints can make all the difference.

In the previous list, I suggested the following thought exercise: imagine that your friend is getting a divorce, and he comes to you with complaints about his lawyer. We will add two elements to the picture: a. As you know, he is an excellent lawyer. b. Your friend is emotionally overwhelmed by the divorce. Now, let's imagine that the friend says: "I can't stand the fact that he is so unavailable. When I call him, they make me wait on the line for hours, and even when we finally talk, he gives me the feeling that he doesn't have time to hear everything I have to say." My question to the readers was: "With your hand on your heart, what would you say to a friend in this situation?"

In Avengers: Endgame, Doctor Strange explains that there is only one out of 14 million possible scenarios in which the Avengers defeat Thanos. Paraphrasing that, albeit in lower numbers, I want to show why so many of our typical reactions are not good enough.

#### Response #1: "I'm sure it was a one-time thing. He must have had a hard day at work. If you continue with him, your communication will eventually improve."

Why is it not good? Because fake reassurance is fake reassurance. We have no idea if what we say will come true or not, but we don't admit it. Our intentions are good, and that's why all we do is try to change the emotional state of friends who talk to us, conveying that we have no patience for their feelings. Sometimes we react this way precisely because we are worried ourselves and find it difficult to feel the concern and helplessness of others.

#### Response #2: "I totally understand how you feel, I hate waiting in line too." Or: "You need to understand that your lawyer is very busy. You chose a first-class lawyer and this means that it is difficult for him to contact you spontaneously." Or: "The lawyer you chose is the best in Israel. I'm sure he treats you professionally and that he doesn't look down on you." Or: "I can understand that you're angry, it's really annoying to wait in line and then feel like you're being treated impatiently."

Why is it not good? Because if we tell a friend that we don't think he should worry, we are judging his concern. In this sense, these responses indicate that we compare the friend's statements with our value scale. The difference between a situation where we think the speaker's emotional response is unjustified and a situation where we think it is justified is purely coincidental.

#### Response #3: "What's really going on with your accountant? And have you contacted the child psychologist yet?"

Why is it not good? Because we are changing the subject. There is no better proof than this that we are not interested in listening to the speaker, find it difficult to concentrate on him and the conversation, and are more interested in the direction of our thoughts than in his words.

#### Response #4: "What did you want to talk to him about? Tell me, maybe I can help you in his place."

Why is it not good? The speaker tried to share with us an emotional state, and we focused on the plot content of his words. Another problem is that we feed his expectation that if enough information is collected, a solution will also be found. This is a valid line of thinking in case we want to get rid of a cockroach infestation in the stairwell, but many times emotional concerns of the kind we are talking about here are not resolved by gathering information. On the contrary, if we respond to a friend's emotional concern by attempting to gather more information, we convey to him that if he wants to express his feelings and asks us to be a listening ear for him, well, we are not the address.

#### Response #5: "Maybe just tell him how he makes you feel? And listen, you don't have to stay with him either. He's not the only lawyer in Israel."

Why is it not good? Because the best solution to emotional problems lies within the speaker himself. When we give him advice, we actually make it harder for him to listen to himself. Even if our advice is reasonable (after all, we are neither idiots nor evil), his reliance on us to try to deal with the problems weakens him. Now, not only is he dependent on his lawyer, he is also dependent on us. And what would he do without gifted and experienced friends like us?

#### Response #6: "Everyone is like you. No one feels their lawyer is giving them all the attention and treatment they deserve."

Why is it not good? It is true that there is something normalizing in this response (everyone is like you), but it may be hasty. There is a good chance that we don't understand exactly what our friend is talking about, but we have already decided that we do. And this understanding is so well established that we don't need to listen to him anymore. On the way, we tell him not to make such an issue of himself.

#### The Best Response: "It sounds to me that you feel that something is not flowing well in your communication with your lawyer, and that you do not feel that he cares about you as much as you would like."

Why is it good? Of all the possibilities I've described, this response is the only one that indicates we truly understand the root of our friend's concern. It is also the only response that conveys to a friend that we truly understand him without judging his feelings and declaring that they are justified or unjustified. 

Will it help? In my experience, in emotional situations like the one described in the example, a certain level of depression and worry is natural and expected. In such cases, if we can make our friends feel that we are "there for them," that we care, and that we are listening, that emotional connection will benefit them more than any advice.