The Art of Pretending in Relationships: Unmasking the Truth

Exploring the Dynamics of Deception and Authenticity in Romantic Beginnings

On the occasion of Purim, I was asked to speak on the program "Nuclear Family" on IDF airwaves about impersonation and pretending within relationships. This request made me reflect on whether all acts of pretending are created equal and to understand the different lies we tell each other over the course of a romantic relationship.

The first fact is that during the courtship stage, truth is not a guiding principle. It is natural for people who want to capture another person's heart to revise their resumes in conscious and unconscious ways. For instance, a woman might wear a push-up bra, and a man might wear hole-free underwear for the first time in ages.

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What is the mental equivalent of this effort? During the courtship phase, women often show an extraordinary ability to delve into things that don't really interest them. Some of my best friends have suddenly become familiar with the "Star Wars" film series, avid soccer fans, or experts in African art when a man interested in these subjects enters their lives. A man dazzled by this coincidence might feel a little cheated when he discovers that the woman with Princess Leia pajamas doesn't want his life-size Darth Vader doll in the living room.

Similarly, when women laugh at what men say at the beginning of the relationship, they are not necessarily transmitting what the men think. They laugh for various reasons: to look feminine, to avoid being threatening, out of embarrassment, or to be polite. If you think you're genuinely making her laugh, you might be disappointed to find out she thinks your jokes are racist and your impersonations are obnoxious.

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What is the male equivalent of the push-up bra? Men who humorously discuss their flaws during courtship might be unwittingly misleading women. A man might joke about his addiction to poker or weed, his conflicts with his ex-wife, or still living with his parents. His self-humor can make these issues seem like solvable problems.

But in many cases, the man who jokingly mentioned his weed addiction, living with his mother, and ongoing lawsuit turns out to be seriously involved in all those issues. If we tally up all the points where men and women lie to each other at the beginning of the relationship, we find that while he jokes and she laughs, later it turns out he wasn't joking, and she ends up crying.

Is this why it is easier to be in love at the beginning of a relationship? I don't think so. It is easier to feel in love at the start, but the reason is not the impersonation and fake news of the courtship phase.

The Authenticity of Early Relationships

In a deeper sense, the pretense at the start of a relationship is not really pretense. It is the opposite, at least in part. The particular circumstances of a new relationship often allow us to be more authentic than when it becomes deep and meaningful. At the beginning of a relationship, we don't put all our love on the other person. Exposing our true selves is less threatening, so we often allow ourselves to be more vulnerable.

This is why many couples remember successful first dates where they shared embarrassing things about themselves or dared to do emotionally risky things. Despite wanting to fascinate this new person, the relationship is still uncomplicated. We are not yet deeply connected, so the worst that can happen is that the relationship doesn't last. It might be disappointing, but it won't collapse our world.

The Shift Over Time

Fast forward 12 years, when our world is intertwined with the ex-stranger's, and we have children together, shared debts, and social ties that validate our partnership. At this point, we have reasons to be more cautious about the relationship. If the relationship feels threatened after 12 years, it is a significant danger. We don't date like we used to because now the stakes are much higher.

When we have something to lose, we go on the defensive. These defenses are not exactly impersonations, but they do create barriers that hide our true selves.

In this sense, we are more exposed and real at the beginning of the relationship, despite the feigned interest in his nunchaku skills and his joke about his mom's cooking. If we want to continue feeling in love with our partners, we can learn something from this early authenticity.