The Art of Negotiation: Seeing Ourselves Through the Eyes of Others

Improving Family and Social Interactions by Understanding Different Perspectives

In the previous column, I compared negotiations with family members to negotiations with terrorists, proposing that the best starting point for both is to try to understand the other side's point of view.

This approach is effective, but even when we try to understand the perspective of the other party, we often find it difficult to see ourselves from their viewpoint. We struggle to imagine how we appear in the eyes of our spouses or children whom we are trying to influence, and this hinders our ability to resolve conflicts.

Let's say I want my partner to lose weight or my teenage son to stop smoking. Instinctively, I will try to frame my intervention positively, like many others. We say things like: "You know I'm just saying this for you," and may feel offended when our help is rejected: "You should be grateful that you have a wife who cares so much about your health," and become indignant: "What do you want me to do, just sit on the sidelines and watch you kill yourself?"

Returning to the analogy of the terrorist who hijacked a plane, the family member is the terrorist, and the cooperation we seek (losing weight or quitting smoking) is the hostage we are trying to rescue. If the negotiator tells the terrorist, "I'm only saying this for you, to help you. You should be glad you encountered an FBI agent who cares so much about your life," it won't work.

Trying to narrow the gaps between us and the other side is a mistake. Although instinctive and understandable, it is still a mistake. The solution lies in our willingness to see how we truly appear to the other side. We must courageously ask ourselves how we look in the eyes of our family members while we try to get them to change their behavior.

In the case of losing weight, I can say: "You must think it's really stupid of me to talk to you about your weight because I've never dealt with being overweight and have no idea how difficult it is. I imagine you feel that you can never please me, that I'm diminishing all your other achievements, and that I always find something negative to focus on." To my son, I might say: "I must sound really obsessive and anxious with all this talk about cigarettes, and maybe I don't seem to understand the social pressures you're dealing with. I must sound really out of touch when I don't grasp why it's appealing to smoke." Do you see the difference? By honestly and courageously acknowledging their perspective, without sarcasm or manipulation, I increase the chance of achieving cooperation.

Several things happen following such a statement: First, I put in less effort. Trying to present the differences between me and the other party as smaller than they are requires more effort than presenting them as they are. And when I put in less effort, I'm less tense, which affects the whole conversation. Another advantage is that I neutralize much of the criticism my interlocutor might have about me. They might still think I'm obsessive and anxious, but it sounds a lot less defiant if I acknowledge it first.

Agreeing to see myself from the other's point of view can also affect my behavior within the relationship. If I realize that my husband thinks I'm always finding something negative to latch on to, that realization can inspire me to address more of his accomplishments or other positive aspects of our relationship. My willingness to present the differences between me and the other party as significant gives more credibility to my words and my worldview. Additionally, the realistic perception of myself and the ability to bear self-criticism are more heartfelt than passive-aggressive behavior, self-righteousness, or beautification of reality.

When the foundation of the relationship is good, the other party may respond with reluctance to the strict way we have portrayed ourselves. The husband might say: "It's okay, I know you're just worried about me," and the son might surprise you with: "It's okay, mom, I'm worried about it too and I'm trying to find a way so this small problem doesn't become a big one."

As I mentioned previously, this approach applies not only to spouses and children but also to neighbors, colleagues, and even store owners. Presenting myself as the sleepy neighbor who always crashes parties, the unempathetic colleague who is not interested in anyone, or the troublesome customer who cannot be satisfied might help resolve these conflicts more quickly.