The Art of Lying

Lessons from Deceivers

In my work with couples and families, I witness quite a few revelations of colossal lies, the kind that last for years or involve huge sums of money, and that lead to shocking breakups claiming many victims. These tragic events make me ask myself how this is even possible—what does it take for a lie to grow and flourish to such a destructive level? The answer is that it takes two to tango: liars and people you can lie to. This article focuses on liars and what they teach us about telling the truth.

Learn the Material

Lies are not raw material for improvisation. Like magicians and writers, good liars have to do their homework and know the material by heart.

"Learn" Your Victim

How is it that people can lie to their partners for long periods about diverse topics such as cheating, addictions, and debts? They do this easily because they know them really well and can imagine what the world looks like from their victim's point of view. Liars have quite high empathic abilities in the narrow and cognitive sense of the word. They may not stop to feel the pain that is going to be caused to the person they are lying to, but they can certainly imagine the picture of the world that they hold in their head and understand what story can fit into it with maximum comfort ("You know my mother, she obviously forgot again that we had arranged. I drove there and she wasn't there at all, and I had to go back all the way in traffic"). To use an example we all know: "an imminent security threat."

Act Like You're Not Lying

If someone is compulsively late, shirks responsibility, never apologizes, and leaves others to pay for them at a restaurant, their chances of being caught in a lie are pretty high. Therefore, if you are lying, I do not recommend choosing the "if already, then already" strategy. The opposite is true: if you stepped on someone's sore spot, apologize. If there is a problem around you, raise your head. The most effective move is to accept responsibility or apologize for something that is not really your fault but is related in some way to the subject you are lying about. For example, if you are having an affair behind your wife's back, and when her car broke down and she needed you, you didn't answer the phone because you were with your lover. A smart liar will apologize profusely—not for betraying his wife's trust but for not doing a test drive for the car as he promised or for not going to her place that day to light candles in the garden. These will be empty apologies that will make her say everything is fine and that it's not really his fault.

Shut Up

In normal interactions, when people tell the truth to each other, their speech is very fragmented and incoherent. They don't remember important details, assume that their partner knows exactly what they are thinking about, and make fun of themselves. In the middle of the conversation, they might have to go to the bathroom, and when they come back, they don't remember what was discussed ("Where were we? Oh, yes. They called from the bank. By the way, can you explain to me why the wet towel is on the bed?"). If you lie, pay attention: a common mistake of beginners is to confuse the brain with lots and lots of details aimed at making the lie believable. But all they do is draw the recipient's attention to the fact that something unusual is happening in their communication.

Maintain Intimacy

Most of us feel uncomfortable when we lie, and it makes us distance ourselves from the people we lie to. If these people know us, they may start asking questions very quickly. Therefore, you must fight your instinct and continue to stay close to the people you are lying to, both physically and mentally. Don't avoid them. If you're a touchy type, keep touching. If you gossip, keep gossiping. The main thing is to broadcast "business as usual."

Choose Your Lies Carefully

Lying requires a lot of energy—the first time when you say it, and then when you live with it and maintain it. For these reasons, and for convenience, it is useful to base the lie on as many real components as possible. For example, if you hide from your partner the fact that you went to lunch with your ex at a new restaurant, don't hide from him the fact that you went to lunch at this new restaurant, only the identity of the person you had lunch with. Instead of the ex, say you went with the new vegan programmer. Stick to most of the details of the conversation and skip only the part where he told you how much he misses you.

Tell the Same Lie to Everyone

Don't tell your sister or your girlfriend that you went to a restaurant with your ex. Also tell them that you went with the vegan programmer. True, it sucks because you wanted to show off, but if you start telling everyone a different story, you'll end up getting caught. Like we said, lies are not for the faint of heart. Repeat the mantra now and in every conversation: "There will be nothing because there was nothing."

Choose the Biggest Motive

Think about it—the best liars you know are the ones who tell the biggest lies. The chance that you will lie correctly is in direct proportion to what you stand to gain from this lie. It is much easier to lie to keep your position as prime minister, or to keep millions in a hiding place, or to avoid divorce than to lie to get a free dessert at a restaurant or to shorten the line at the airport.

If You Are Caught, Don't Blink

If you want to stick with your new hobby, you need your partner to talk to you about the subject you are lying about. This is, of course, contrary to your instincts, since when we lie we prefer that our partner quickly move on to the next topic ("Iran stands up to us on all fronts"). If you don't want to arouse suspicion, practice talking about the hot topic without your heart skipping a beat. And always remember that the best defense is offense. If your partner gets too close to the sensitive topic and you feel his suspicions rising, learn from the best and attack him like crazy. You can accuse, get close ("shed my wife's blood, chase my son"), be sick, cry, grieve, distort reality ("The only option is a broad unity government, but on the other side there are all kinds of delusions"), and make threats ("Soon we will probably have to make very difficult decisions"). Your spouses, assuming they are acting in good faith, will prefer to forego the inquiry rather than get into such a predicament. You can continue on your way and lie to them until the day you forget WhatsApp is open on your home computer, or the people get fed up.