The Art of Conversation: Principles for Meaningful Dialogue

How to Improve Your Communication and Strengthen Relationships

Too often, I hear couples say that their weekly hour in therapy is the only time they actually talk. They don’t necessarily mean deep conversations about childhood wounds, but simply open discussions about daily struggles at work, in the extended family, or with their children. These conversations go beyond trivial topics like the lack of salt in the salad.

It's sad, but not surprising. These couples are not alone. One of the basic human actions in danger of extinction is the ability to have a meaningful conversation. For this to happen, both parties need to be in touch with themselves (maintaining attention to their inner voice, feelings, and authenticity) and be able to connect with the other person (paying attention to their emotional state, verbal and non-verbal messages, and synchronizing their rhythm). If you want to improve your ability to hold a conversation, here are some principles.

Keep Screens Away

You might think you can talk while replying to the babysitter on WhatsApp, checking a recipe online, or finishing an order on Amazon. But, as the saying goes: "So that's it, no." Synchronizing with others is demanding and doesn't allow you to pay attention to another source of information. Without the basic condition of keeping screens away, no real conversation can take place.

The Ears Are in the Eyes

A conversation does not take place between the mouth and the ears but between your eyes and my eyes. Our language reflects this knowledge when we say, "look me in the eyes and tell me" or "in the white of the eyes." It’s great that you put your phone away, but if you think you can have a conversation while cooking, folding laundry, fixing your computer, or combing out lice, well, you can’t. Of course, looking into the eyes is no small thing, but a conversation in the same physical space that allows for eye contact is essential.

Talk About Yourself in the First Person

You might think you are talking about yourself in the first person. However, from my experience listening to thousands of hours of people talking, there is a high chance you are not. Two common ways we avoid talking directly about ourselves are by using "you" instead of "I."

For example, instead of saying, "I put in a lot of effort to produce the birthday dinner and was hurt that you didn’t consider my investment," you might say, "You know, when you put in a lot of effort to produce a birthday meal, you obviously get hurt when your investment isn’t considered." The same idea and pain are behind it, but the effectiveness is much lower. Speaking in "you" is abstract and non-concrete, therefore non-emotional.

An even more distant version might sound like: "You know, when people put effort into something, like producing a birthday dinner, they probably expect their investment to be recognized." This version is more suitable for a social class and takes the conversation far from the personal experience of the speaker, reducing its potential.

Full Answer When You Listen

Remember when elementary school teachers said a complete answer begins with repeating the question? They were right. When your interlocutor has finished speaking, your answer should start with reflecting their main point. This shows that you heard what they said. If they touched on many topics and you’re unsure how to respond, ask which topic they want you to address. Acknowledge the many issues they raised, list some of them, and specify which one you’ll address before moving forward.

The most polite, in-depth response that advances the conversation is to first ask a few open questions. Only after they answer should you take the microphone.

You Are Not Alone When You Talk

You might be desperate to connect with your partner, afraid they won’t understand you, have attention and concentration issues, or find it difficult to listen to yourself and others simultaneously. Many reasons can cause you to get carried away talking and lose the other side’s attention.

Sometimes the other party doesn't have the same level of attention as you and starts to lose concentration. They might be as desperate for conversation as you are but get hurt when you dominate the conversation. They may also feel overwhelmed by the many topics you bring up. Pay attention to the distribution of time in the conversation.

It sounds harsh, but from watching many couples talk, it’s rare for someone to attentively listen to the other side for more than six or seven minutes straight. So, try to gather your thoughts concisely. If you get carried away, refine your expectations and pass the floor to your partner with a clear question like, "It’s important for me to know if you think I’m missing something about X?" or "What do you think is the most important thing for us to solve about this problem?"

Pay Attention to Your Body

The ability to have a conversation is based on keeping attention on yourself while paying attention to the other party. Listening to ourselves is largely based on awareness of our physical sensations. Emotional and stress reactions are often expressed between the mouth and lower abdomen. Knowing your stress or excitement level helps you signal to the other party if you’re overwhelmed, need to say something important, lack their reference to a point, or are afraid of reacting incorrectly. These signals are crucial for meaningful conversations that end on a positive note, leaving you wanting more.