Strengthening Relationships: The Rise of Couples Workshops in Israel

Exploring "Hold Me Tight" and Its Impact on Emotional Connection

In recent years, there has been a flourishing of workshops aimed at developing marriages in Israel. A random internet search reveals workshops like "Refreshing Intimacy and Touch," "Improving Optimism in the Relationship," and "Empowering the Wedding Day." Couples can also participate in dancing, cooking, or glass blowing workshops—all designed to enhance their relationship.

I would love to attend all these workshops (and I'm sure my husband would feel optimistic watching me blow glass), but until then, I am dedicating this week's list to one workshop called "Connected." This workshop, one of the first of its kind in Israel, is based on the "Hold Me Tight" workshop developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, which focuses on emotion-centered couple therapy.

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Vivi Shmueli and Iris Shoken, both family and couple therapists and instructors in family therapy, brought this workshop to Israel. They underwent all the necessary EFT therapy training and even took their partners to the United States to participate in the original "Hold Me Tight" workshops. Shmueli explains: "Each of us has been married for more than 40 years, yet the workshop revealed new aspects of our relationships and brought us closer to our partners in ways we hadn't anticipated." Intrigued by this, I invited her to answer some questions about the workshop.

Why Bring "Hold Me Tight" to Israel?

"I was drawn to the fact that the workshop is based on principles of the emotion-centered treatment approach, which has been researched and proven effective. It includes theoretical parts that, from my clinical experience, can be interesting and beneficial to couples exposed to them.

"The most significant understanding is that what we call love is a survival need for secure attachment. When this need is met, we feel stronger and more secure. Conversely, when we are in a relationship where this need is unmet, and we feel our partner is emotionally unavailable, not involved in our emotional lives, and unresponsive, we experience a collapse in our basic sense of security and trust in the relationship."

Understanding Emotional Reactions in Relationships

One of the essential insights of emotion-focused couple therapy is that in an unstable situation, most of us instinctively act to restore our sense of security and eliminate the emotional threat. However, this instinct, whether it leads us to pursue our partner or ignore them, traps us in a negative pattern that causes the other person to distance themselves.

Shmueli explains that one of the most important things couples learn in the workshop is to react with less panic when their need for a secure relationship isn't met.

Disconnections are an inevitable part of a significant marital relationship. The goal of the therapists is to help couples respond to these disconnections in ways that strengthen their bond rather than worsen the situation or become indifferent to its existence.

What Do Couples Experience During the Workshop?

"The workshop includes several short lectures, current and research-based, on the elements that make a marital relationship good and stable. Each lecture is accompanied by exercises that help couples identify what they can do to feel free and safe within their relationship.

"Although each couple experiences this privately, there is something reassuring in knowing that 'we are all in the same boat.' The exercises help couples recognize the negatives they use to hide their vulnerability, such as indifference, anger, persecution, and criticism. At the end of this deep but fun day, we gather all these insights to help couples re-illuminate shaky moments in their marital history."

Shmueli explains that the exercises are based on self-observation following a guiding question and mutual sharing of answers. The questions refer to behavior patterns within the marital relationship and focus on how each partner deals with emotionally threatening situations. "In the first step, I hand out a questionnaire with questions like 'How easy is it for me to get your attention?' and 'How alone do I feel in the relationship?' Each spouse answers individually and then shares their answers, often leading to surprising results as they discover how much each feels the other is there for them. The mutual sharing allows the couple to understand how they are experienced by their partner versus how they experience themselves."

Identifying Negative Patterns

"A more advanced exercise helps couples identify the negative patterns they've fallen into. We ask each partner what they do when they feel tension in the relationship. Do they blame? Express frustration with anger and yelling? Suggest how to change? Each partner answers this question individually and then shares. They recognize their role in the negative cycle and understand how their actions, intended to bring their partner closer, actually push them away."

Who Can Benefit from the Workshop?

"The workshop lasts a whole day, but only one day, making it suitable for anyone who wants to boost and encourage their relationship. It's ideal for couples who feel things are fine and there are no fights but lack emotional connection and intimacy. It's also suitable for those who wonder why they fight over trivial matters despite their love and are unwilling to accept that 'that's just how it is with everyone.'"

Who Is the Workshop Not Suitable For?

"The workshop is not suitable for couples in a very deep crisis or in the midst of a newly erupted crisis. It is not therapeutic by definition but focuses on training and learning, allowing couples to practice on their own after being exposed to information, training, and guidance. This one-day meeting is not intended for treating couples in the eye of a storm, such as dealing with an affair. If the problem is acute and requires a deep, long-term therapeutic process, the workshop is not the right place and is not a substitute for treatment."

Understanding and addressing the emotional needs in a relationship can make a significant difference. Workshops like "Hold Me Tight" provide couples with the tools to strengthen their bond and navigate the inevitable disconnections that occur, fostering a deeper, more secure attachment.