Navigating Parent-Child Therapy: A Tale of Missteps and Hope

How Understanding Dynamics and Roles Can Lead to Healing

One comedian, now controversial, once joked about the different feelings you have for your child compared to your partner: "That little creature has my genes," he said to an imaginary partner on stage, "Who the hell are you?" This joke came to mind before a therapy session with Nega and Daniela (pseudonyms), a mother and daughter. Nega, in her fifties, was in couples therapy with me and wanted to use the therapeutic space to improve her relationship with her twenty-year-old daughter, Daniela.

Despite some reservations, the comedian's joke reassured me. Dyadic meetings (therapeutic sessions involving a family pair) often feel easier than classic couples therapy because nature guides each party into their roles: the parent becomes the giver and the container, and the adult child (even if grown) becomes the vulnerable one. But, this isn't always the case.

Shortly after Daniela began expressing her grievances against her mother, Nega started crying. Initially, I hoped she was crying because she finally understood the pain her daughter felt. Unfortunately, it quickly became clear that Nega was crying out of self-pity. She recounted her own difficult upbringing with a neglectful mother, describing herself as a "broken box" due to the emotional neglect she suffered.

She further illustrated her point with an anecdote from a nature program about kookaburras raised in captivity, who lost their maternal instincts. Things went from bad to worse when Nega, without waiting for any prompt from me, turned to Daniela and emotionally appealed for pity and closeness. The distressed daughter placed a comforting hand on her mother's thigh, to which Nega responded with an unhappy smile and said, "I wish Daniela was my mother," completely unaware of how hurtful this sounded to her daughter.

After this unforgettable and unproductive session, I realized my mistake. Nega had entered the therapy session with her daughter expecting the same dynamic as couples therapy. She anticipated that I would help create a safe space for her and Daniela to connect with their vulnerabilities and communicate their needs effectively.

This approach works well in couples therapy but not in family therapy. Family dynamics are inherently hierarchical, and with great power comes great responsibility. In a family, parents have more power and thus more responsibility. Working with a parent and adult child is more akin to working with a couple recovering from an affair: the needs of the injured party (the child) take precedence. The therapist helps the injured party dare to be vulnerable again while guiding the offending party (the parent) to respond to these needs. The return is not symmetrical; while the child gains a sense of security, the parent gains the feeling of being a good parent.

In the case of Nega and Daniela, my goal was to help Nega become more accessible and responsive to her daughter's emotional needs, creating a safe base for Daniela. Contrary to Nega's expectations, this session was not about her venting her pains to her daughter or seeking her daughter's comfort. Instead, once Daniela felt supported, Nega would feel like a good mother again.

Nega's expectations for the session were misplaced, but many parallels exist between couples therapy and parent-child therapy. In both cases, the therapist identifies ineffective coping mechanisms each party uses to regulate emotional pain when pressure in the relationship rises. These actions—withdrawal, criticism, condescension—alleviate emotional pain but also become risk factors for the other party, creating a predictable pattern that makes the family an insecure environment instead of a place to share vulnerability.

Therapy often involves diverting attention from specific arguments to the root of emotional difficulties: primary emotions like fear, rejection, and sadness. This work strengthens bonds and fosters empathy, but it's not always simple. Severe mental pathologies or parents expecting their adult children to contain them can complicate the process.

Despite these challenges, dyadic therapy, like the session with Nega and Daniela, can achieve results faster than couples therapy. As that comedian noted, Daniela carries Nega's genes, and that shared bond can be a powerful force for healing.