Navigating Family Crisis: When a Partner Comes Out

Diana Idelman's Insights on Handling Dramatic Family Changes with Respect and Understanding

Diana Idelman is a household name in the world of marital and family therapy. She founded Berashit, a support and counseling service for new parents, and later co-founded Dyada, where she managed the field of parenting and marriage for the first five years. Idelman authored the popular book "Preparation for Parenthood" and is a veteran group facilitator, recently becoming a certified EFT therapist.

Idelman helps many couples navigate difficult crises, rebuild after infidelity, regain balance after the birth of children, and restore relationships between parents and their adult children. Few people know that this warm, authoritative, and calm woman has experienced a huge family upheaval herself—her partner and the father of her three children came out as gay after 16 years of living together.

Combining personal experience with professional insight, Idelman offers a unique perspective on how we react when a relationship falls apart due to a spouse coming out. She shares her insights to help other families navigate dramatic changes respectfully and preserve as much of the family as possible.

Common Misconceptions and Questions

Idelman explains, "The most common mistake people make when encountering a family falling apart due to one parent coming out is focusing on changing the sexual orientation. The main drama is the breakup of the family. The person coming out faces complex consequences, while the other partner feels betrayal and a breach of trust, along with years of denial and delusion."

One common but opaque question is: "What hurts more—when your partner cheats on you with a woman or a man?" This question misses the point. The real issue is the betrayal and hiding of the partner's true identity.

Another frequent question is: "How did the children accept it?" While well-intentioned, this question overlooks the children's dual struggle—not only with the parent's coming out but also with the disintegration of their home and the accompanying changes.

The Impact on Children

The LGBT aspect of the family crisis causes children to find themselves outside the norm. They must open up to new and same-sex partners and face questions about their own sexual identity. Children often feel a need to protect the LGBT parent and experience a lot of pain. For example, they might notice the common use of "gay" as a derogatory term, which adds to their burden.

Personal and Professional Insights

Idelman shares her own experience and observations: "I have accompanied many people through such crises. Some feel used, as if they were a 'sperm bank' or a 'womb for rent,' even when it's clear their partner loved them when the family was built."

She emphasizes that the sharpest pain comes from the essential hiding of the partner's identity. "The real betrayal isn't about hiding a sexual encounter but about not revealing who they truly are."

Ironically, when one partner's struggle is resolved by coming out, the other partner's struggle begins. The straight partner faces unbearably difficult questions: "How did I not see this?" "How did I do this to myself?" "Will I ever be able to trust again?"

Therapeutic Approaches

Idelman urges marriage therapists to avoid cooperating with the illusion stemming from the ambivalence of the gay partner about coming out. She advises therapists to meet each partner separately to create a safe space for the gay partner to express their truth.

Idelman warns against harmful advice that compels parents to share the parent's same-sex identity with the children and the environment without proper context. Such secrecy can lead to confusion and shame for the children. It is crucial to explain the family changes to children honestly and sensitively.

Do Couples Have to Break Up?

Idelman acknowledges that not all couples have to break up after one partner comes out. "Many couples make cohabitation agreements without sex if they are good friends and not jealous. I know couples who stayed together for 30 years after the man came out. They live with his partner and get along wonderfully. However, the straight partner may never have another relationship."

Conclusion

Diana Idelman's story and insights highlight the importance of understanding and respect when navigating family crises involving a partner coming out. By addressing the real issues and communicating openly, families can preserve relationships and support each other through difficult times.