How to Convince a Partner to Go to Couples Therapy

Several readers have asked me how to convince a partner to go to couples therapy, and my answer is: "It's complicated." My personal experience with couples therapy as a patient was very short. During a crisis, I took my partner to therapy, but after just one session, he said, "I'm ready to do whatever you ask, just don't take me there again." We didn't go back, and I got everything I asked for. In this sense, at least, the therapy was effective.

A week later, the therapist called me and warned that my partner had severe problems with creating intimacy and always would. After 11 years and one child (tapu-tapu-tapu, hamsa-hamsa), my conclusion is that either I got used to it, or the therapist was wrong. This confession is meant to explain that one of the reasons why I don't have a firm answer is that couples therapy is not always what a couple needs, and sometimes the partner who does not want to go to therapy is right.

But suppose this is not the case, and there is a clear indication for couples therapy, yet one party is not cooperating. What can you, as the party interested in the therapy, do?

First, in the spirit of emotion-focused couple therapy, I recommend trying to understand your partner. Our first mistake when trying to change someone's mind is that we focus on showing them where they are wrong. But there is no simpler way to make someone feel misunderstood, and a person who feels misunderstood will not listen to you. He doesn't listen to you because he thinks you obviously don't understand him, so there's no point in listening to you. In his opinion, if you understood him, you wouldn't try to convince him at all.

This suggests that the first thing to do when trying to change someone's mind is to demonstrate that we understand them. I will emphasize that despite the temptation, it is impossible to fake this because it simply won't work. You have to stop and ask yourself: "Why does my partner oppose couples therapy, and can I understand it?"

Be honest with yourself: maybe he is afraid that you will form a coalition with the therapist and attack him? Maybe the financial outlay is too great? Maybe she is going through a very difficult time at work and doesn't see how she will find time for therapy sessions? Maybe he's afraid she wants couples therapy because she's already interested in a breakup and is afraid to tell him that directly? And even if she doesn't go that far, maybe he's just afraid that couples therapy is the beginning of the end?

These are understandable concerns, right? Beauty. And this should be the starting point of your conversation. You need to show the opposing partner that you know, or at least guess, the reason for their opposition and that you can also understand it.

It sounds something like this: "Listen, I want us to think about couples therapy again, but before we get into that conversation, I want you to know that I completely understand that you have many reasons to be against it. I know that you are going through a very stressful time at work right now, and I can really understand how you feel. The last thing we need right now is another hour a week where we'll wallow in all our difficulties. I also completely understand the thought that it's better to put this money aside to go to Thailand in the summer, because if there's anything that will help our relationship, it's a romantic vacation." Can you imagine the effect of this opening sentence compared to a discussion that begins with, "I know you are against couples therapy, but what you don't understand is... and your mistake is that..."?

You've got their attention. What now? Here are some arguments you can incorporate into the conversation in your own language:

1. Couples therapy is a sign of the end of the relationship only if you start it too late. The statistics of emotion-focused couple therapy show that most couples report continuous improvement in their relationship even five years after the end of the therapy.

2. Couples therapy does not have to be as long as individual therapy. If there is no serious external problem such as betrayal, addiction, or trauma, often 20 sessions are enough to achieve a significant change in the quality of the relationship.

3. Couples therapy is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. A session lasts less than an hour, and if we have already booked a babysitter, we can combine it with spending time just for the two of us.

4. A marriage therapist is not an arbitrator, and she will not be on my side. The goal of therapy is to create a space where each of us can talk non-defensively with the other. I feel that precisely because you don't want to hurt me, you sometimes don't tell me everything that bothers you about my behavior, and I think it's good that we talk alongside a third person who can also reflect to me the places where I don't see myself.

5. Not everything is measured in money. It's true that we don't have the time and we don't have the money for it, but getting a divorce costs a lot more money and takes a lot longer.

6. Let's go five times and then we'll decide what to do next. If we feel that it is beneficial to us, we will continue, and if not, we can always stop.

7. Lots of people go to couples therapy; it's not what it used to be. Quite a few young people, especially if their parents are divorced, turn to therapy because they are not complacent and do not think that love should exist by itself without investment in it. Even Barack and Michelle Obama went to couples therapy.

What can you do if all this does not help? The only choice is to go to individual therapy. You are both an integral part of this system, and if you change something in the way each of you behaves within the relationship, it is almost inevitable that you will change something in the system.

In an asterisk, I will point out that in my opinion, when the marital relationship is in a critical period, individual therapy may also be dangerous for the relationship. Empathizing with their beloved patients, some individual therapists may fail to see the ways in which their clients contribute to the difficult couple dynamics in which they are trapped. For this reason, if you are turning to individual therapy as a substitute for couple therapy, it is important to look for a therapist with a systemic view and familiarity with the worldview of couple therapy.