"Balancing Individuality and Togetherness: The Essence of a Fulfilling Relationship"

"Exploring the Need for Separateness and Validation in Love and Partnerships"

One of the famous notions is that "spouses should add spice to each other's lives." This idea is well articulated in a list I came across on another website: "When discussing relationships, the focus is often on the art of connection to foster a stronger sense of partnership. Yet, within that togetherness, some struggle to comprehend the importance of individuality within a loving relationship—especially since it can be somewhat intimidating.

"There's no doubt that cultivating this skill within a relationship can be challenging. However, the truth is that in the healthiest relationships, both partners understand, respect, and support each other's ongoing need for a healthy sense of individuality." I concur that in a relationship, our emphasis is typically on connection and partnership, but is the equally important need for individuality being overlooked?

In my view, the myth of "creating distance" misses the mark entirely. While we each have a separate identity from our partner, characterized by different tastes, beliefs, and ambitions, what we truly need is not just a quiet space for personal pursuits. What we need is our partner's empathetic gaze—an interest in our distinct identity, an appreciation for it in all its forms, and perhaps even a willingness to let it influence their own identity.

Nimrod Shein's beautiful song elegantly articulates this point:

"In the end, you are the child Returning from kindergarten with a clay ashtray Crudely painted in Genesis Handing it to mom and waiting for her eyes to light up with boundless admiration, parental admiration, and love."

(From the book "The Inner Skin," Kibbutz HaMoheed Publishing, 2017)

Switch to gallery view A cyclist gazes through binoculars across the riverbank while their partner joins them on a bicycle ride While we maintain separate identities from our partners and possess different tastes, beliefs, and aspirations, what we truly need is our partner's empathetic gaze—an interest in, appreciation for, and admiration of our unique identity. Photo: Shutterstock.com What is the primary challenge in the world's most advanced couples therapy approach? Is your relationship thriving, or does it require attention? Self-reflection is key. Shane is correct. Parental admiration and love encompass the two aspects we require in a relationship. The song discusses the parent-child relationship, but through attachment theory, we can understand that a significant part of our marital relationships is influenced by the lessons we learned in childhood from our parents.

Parental admiration fulfills a child's identity needs, yet in the realm of couples therapy, few theorists emphasize these needs. Sue Johnson places the entire quality of a marital relationship on the foundation of security within the relationship, emphasizing the stable ground each partner provides. On the other hand, couples therapist Ameti Maged epitomizes the myth of separation as the "lone rider," as introduced in the opening.

Maged's professional perspective, which I use as an example here, centers on locating the point of separation within the couple and strengthening the boundaries between them as distinct individuals. The premise is that tension and distance are essential elements of a couple's development, and intimacy cannot exist if clear boundaries are not maintained. These therapists argue that couples develop interdependence, sacrificing personal growth and maturation, as they expect their feelings to be contained. Consequently, the most effective treatment for the resulting conflicts is to teach the couple to act for complete self-fulfillment, regulate their emotions, and eliminate the perceived intimacy that hinders them.

In contrast to these two approaches, the work of psychologist Les Greenberg, the developer of emotion-focused therapy, stands out. Greenberg and his colleagues acknowledge the importance of feeling secure in a relationship but also underscore the significance of the couple's identity needs—partners who can validate and support each other's separate identities.

According to this view, in a healthy relationship, your partner should not only tolerate your differences but actively engage with and appreciate your unique personality, feelings, and preferences. For instance, if you are vegan, it's not enough for your partner to merely "live and let live." You may value their understanding, support, and even their willingness to try tofu-based Harima. If you enjoy surfing, your partner's mockery about your early morning beach trips won't suffice; you'd likely appreciate their interest in wave heights (within reason), admiration for world surfing champions, and opinions on your new winter wetsuit.

Attachment-based couples therapy (like Johnson's) and differentiation-based couples therapy (like Maged's) overlook the simple fact that our emotional well-being is greatly influenced by how our loved ones perceive us. It's only natural to be concerned about how our partner sees us as individuals. According to Johnson, the fundamental question in a relationship is, "Are you there for me?" In the differentiation-based approach, this question leads to trouble, as therapists suggest replacing it with, "Remind me who you are?" In contrast, Greenberg does not dismiss Johnson's question and adds another: "Do you accept me as I am?"

Our partners' recognition of our distinct personalities directly impacts our self-esteem, our sense of capability, and the responsibility we take for our lives. Conversely, when our identity needs are unmet within the relationship, no amount of moral fortitude and acceptance of responsibility, as promoted by Maged, can prevent fractures in our self-concept and, subsequently, in the marital relationship.

In my personal and professional experience, Greenberg's conceptualization is the most accurate. We need to know that our partners are capable of responding to our emotions and vulnerabilities while remaining caring and attentive even when we are feeling down. Equally important, we need partners who can celebrate our achievements—partners who stand by us during our highs. Many Hollywood movies feature marriage vows, with couples promising to stay together "for better or for worse." Through our life journey as couples, we learn that "better" can actually be the challenging part.