A Teen's Perspective on Love and Relationships

A year and a half ago, I had a blog conversation with a 13-year-old girl from Ramat Hasharon. She shared her views on romantic relationships with me. This week, I revisited her to see how her perspective has evolved during the dynamic period of adolescence and how it compares to my own experiences at her age (I know it sounds very "aunty," but I can't help it).

What is the Difference Between Boys and Girls?

"The whole libido thing is quite obvious. Girls at this age are also starting to become more mature, and this whole thing attracts them, but with boys, it's even stronger. In general, I don't know if I should say that girls are more mature, but I can see that difference in friendships. The bonds between girls are deeper than bonds between boys. They have several layers, and it seems to me that bonds between boys are less deep."

What is Love?

"Uh-huh. Love has a lot more than one definition, but if I try to simplify it, love is what happens when you put someone else's needs before your own. You think about their reactions, you care about what happens to them, you worry about them not being hurt by things you do, they are important to you, and you are genuinely interested in them. Love for a brother, mother, friend, or girlfriend is different from romantic love, but I think these qualities are found in all types of love."

What Qualities Are Important to You in a Partner?

"It's important to me that he loves me very much. Very, very, very much. That he loves me the most in the world. It's important to me that he's wise. He doesn't have to be super-duper smart, but he shouldn't be stupid. It's important to me that he cares about me and what I'm going through. I really want him to be a good person because his love doesn't erase the fact that he's a bad person, and that's the first thing I see in a person."

In a Situation of Conflict of Loyalties, Would You Prefer Your Partner or Your Girlfriend?

"A friend. Okay, basically it will be a friend because, after all, friendship comes before a relationship. But if it's an argument in which my partner is right, I'll support him. So, you can say that in the event of a conflict, I'll support whoever is right. In short, it depends."

How Does a Boy Show a Girl That He is Interested in Her?

"In the beginning, he flirts with her or tries to make friends with her, and only then shows her that he is interested in her, or he just goes for it and tries to kiss her. Most boys try to connect first because they are also trying to find out if they want something more than friendship. They may decide that the friendship is good for them and they don't want anything beyond that."

What Could Be a Reason for the Separation of Spouses at Your Age?

"The first thing I think about is that one of the parties wanted to do something beyond what the other was ready for. I have heard of several such cases both in my class and in general. Another reason is that they no longer want each other, or are not attracted, or that one of the parties is suddenly interested in someone else. In my environment, there are no formal couples, only segments. It is something much less serious, and it ends much more easily."

What are "Segments"?

"This is the stage before we decide to be a couple. Many of us stay at this stage. A couple, but not really and not defined, and we don't talk about it and it's not serious. We don't really love each other. It's just for fun."

What Do Boys Not Understand About Girls?

"There are boys who don't understand that a girl needs to be understood, to take seriously what she says. As I said before about friendships, close relationships with boys are a matter that has fewer layers, so boys don't really know that girls need attention and understanding and care beyond what they are used to giving other boys and receiving from them."

What is Your Attitude Toward the Institution of Marriage?

"I don't have an opinion on this. If there are people who want to make their love official, that's perfectly fine. What's wrong is that people who got married in a non-religious wedding have to get divorced through the rabbinate, which is a disadvantage of the marriage institution in Israel. I think that a secular couple has better ways to perpetuate their love. In any case, you should think twice before doing it because if you regret it, it can be a very long road."

What Do You Think Makes Older People a Good Couple?

"First of all, the most important thing is that they still love each other and don't stay together because it's convenient. Second, that they really respect each other. Another important thing for a relationship is that partners don't cheat just because they don't have fun, and that they don't do something terrible behind their partner's back. That's it: love and respect."

How Do You Imagine Your Future Romantically?

"Lately, I'm really interested in what the future holds for me, let's say who will be my first really serious boyfriend and who will be my partner in the future, maybe my husband. Basically, according to the plan, I'm supposed to meet him at the age of 25, get married at the age of 27, and start a family at the age of 30 (laughs), but I think it will flow more easily. I just don't plan the future that much."

Thanks to Michaela (pseudonym), 14.5 years old, from Ramat Hasharon