The Power of Perspective in Relationships

How Taking Responsibility Can Improve Your Relationship Dynamics

Michael loves Neta (pseudonyms, participation requested by the patients), but he is frustrated by the lack of playfulness or interest in their lives. Weekends are spent with family members immersed in their screens, occasionally visiting relatives. Another couple, Dina and Yoni, have their frustrations. Dina feels neglected as Yoni never shows interest in her PhD work, while Yoni feels unappreciated for his cycling achievements and projects with their children.

Shira and Sharon, a couple of women, face similar issues. Shira is upset that Sharon rarely compliments her appearance, and Sharon is depressed that Shira doesn't contact her during the workday.

From the perspective of emotion-focused therapy, these issues might stem from similar dynamics between a "persecutor" and a "persecuted." Emotion-focused therapy, however, is not a quick fix. It requires deep, often lengthy, emotional work. Therefore, many couple therapists, including myself, seek tips and tricks that can provide quick benefits and act as a "bridging loan" for the relationship until deeper processes take effect.

One effective strategy is for each partner to introduce what they feel is missing into the relationship. For instance, if Michael lacks fun and interest, he should take responsibility for planning engaging activities, like watching TED talks, organizing family outings, or arranging a night at a hotel.

If Dina feels Yoni isn't interested in her, she should express more interest in his activities, such as his day, his work projects, and his sports goals. For Yoni, who feels unappreciated, I suggest he praise Dina in social gatherings to demonstrate how pleasant it is to receive compliments from a partner.

Similarly, Shira should compliment Sharon more, and Sharon should initiate affectionate communication during the workday.

In most cases, this advice works well, often improving the relationship even if the initially stated needs are not directly met. This approach helps partners realize their influence on the relationship dynamics, showing that they can stop negative cycles and increase mutual satisfaction.

Moreover, when partners authentically introduce what they feel is missing, it often leads to reciprocal behavior. For example, when Dina showed interest in Yoni, he became more interested in her research. However, sometimes the partner's response might not be immediate or direct, yet still positive.

Occasionally, this strategy doesn't yield the desired results. For instance, Michael's efforts to add fun to their family life didn't change Neta's demeanor. This highlighted that Neta's issues might stem from her depression due to caring for her mother with Alzheimer's, requiring Michael's support in this aspect to improve her well-being.

In some cases, a lack of response from the partner indicates deeper problems in the relationship, providing important insights. Nonetheless, this strategy is often effective for immediate improvement. As the saying goes: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

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Amalia Rosenblum's Recommendations

Book: Love, Medicine, and Miracles

- By Dr. Bernie Siegel

- This seminal book, published by Keter, emphasizes empathy, positive thinking, and the power of consciousness in maintaining health. It's a must-read, especially for those fearing illnesses like cancer.

Video: Prof. Avi Elkayim in "Between the Suns"

- Kabbalah and Sabbath Researcher

- An interview with Prof. Avi Elkayim on Dov Elbaum’s program "Between the Suns." It highlights the profound impact of mystical practices and can broaden your perspective on identity politics. [Watch the interview here.](#)

A Game for the Whole Family: Geoguessr

- An Educational and Fun Challenge

- Geoguessr uses Google Maps to place you in a random location, challenging you to guess your whereabouts. It's a fun, educational activity that combines technical skills with a love for travel.