The Impact of "Still Face" in Relationships: Recognizing and Addressing Emotional Detachment

Understanding the Consequences of Emotional Unavailability and How to Counteract It

One of the most important concepts in emotion-focused couple therapy is the "Still Face." This term was coined by Edward Tronick, an American developmental psychologist known for his research from the 1970s. In his studies, Tronick showed that when the bond between a baby and their caregiver is severed, the baby tries to attract the caregiver's attention. If these efforts fail, the baby withdraws, first physically and then emotionally. "Still Face" refers to the lack of response from the caregiver.

In a video shown in every Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy training, the heartbreaking effect of a mother's neglect on her baby is evident. From a couples therapy perspective, this drama repeats itself countless times among older couples. The difference is that the person who emotionally shuts down in a relationship and presents a "still face" has no idea how much initial pain they are causing. Fundamental alarms are triggered in the other partner, who then falls into the role of the baby.

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The result is tragic and paradoxical: the partner who detaches emotionally does so to avoid conflict, but this detachment puts the other partner in a fight for their emotional survival. The other partner may make extreme and often negative attempts to elicit a reaction from the "still face." Without going into details, I can admit that I've been in this situation once or twice myself.

When we become aware of this behavior, we may choose not to torment our loved ones in this way. However, the reality is that we often do this to those closest to us multiple times a day. American adults spend an average of three and a half hours on their phones daily. Assuming at least half of this time is spent at home, we end up ignoring our spouses many times a day.

If I'm on the phone when my child wakes up and the first thing they see is my profile instead of my eyes—that's "Still Face." If my spouse asks what I want to eat and I don't answer because I'm texting a friend—that's "Still Face." If I ask my daughter how school was and she's immersed in Instagram—that's "Still Face." And if my son asks me to watch him score an imaginary goal while I'm looking for a recipe online—that's "Still Face."

Recognizing Continuous "Still Face" Experiments

In other words, we no longer need Tronick's experiments because our lives have become continuous "Still Face" experiments. Researchers are studying how parental cell phone use affects children's communication patterns. However, you don't need studies to see this: sit in a playground and observe. The more the parent's eyes are on the child, the more the child plays happily and independently. Conversely, if the parent is engrossed in their phone, the child will likely come with increasing complaints, just like the baby in the original experiment.

Solutions for Reducing "Still Face"

Don't worry, there are ways to address this issue. If your children are particularly fussy, dramatic, whiny, or prone to tantrums, there might be a problem. However, it could also be that you are spending too much time on your phone. Similarly, if your partner is short-tempered and critical, it might be worth seeing what happens if you set the phone aside for an hour and a half each evening, say from 8:30 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.

It's not easy. Phones and the flow of information are addictive, but that's not the only problem. The phone is also a convenient escape when we're under emotional stress. If a situation triggers a flight response, the modern equivalent is to hide in our phones.

This means if you tend to retreat into your phone when your partner or child wants to talk about something important, sensitive, or contentious, you will find it particularly hard to put the phone away. The difficulty comes from the expectation that you look them in the eyes and engage emotionally, which is challenging for many of us.

Conclusion

Understanding the impact of "Still Face" in our relationships is crucial. By becoming aware of how often we unconsciously withdraw and choosing to be more present, we can improve our relationships and emotional connections with our loved ones. Setting aside dedicated time without distractions can make a significant difference in fostering deeper, more meaningful interactions.