The Big Leap: Questions You Have to Ask Yourself Before a Dramatic Life Change
Summary: Many of us have found ourselves in this situation, where it feels as if "the real thing" is hiding inside something or someone outside our routine. Whether it's retraining for a new profession or ending a long relationship, sometimes the urge for change is just a signal that the current situation needs attention and repair — not a sharp leap into a whole new chapter.
Michael (all names have been changed), 40, married with two young children, is head over heels in love. Unfortunately, the woman he's in love with isn't his wife. Michael is consulting with me because he wants to leave his wife and build a relationship with the new woman.
Dana, 28, is a TV producer. Over the past year she's taken two writing workshops, and discovered a hidden talent. She loves writing, gets excellent feedback from her teachers and classmates, and now has an idea for a series. She tells me about her wish to quit her job at the production company and focus on developing the script.
I don't have a crystal ball, and even if I did, it isn't my job to tell people what to do. I try to open up a space where they can hear themselves, distinguish between the critical and dread-inducing voices and the defense mechanisms they've developed, and their own deeper needs. I try to work out, with each of them, what the great excitement they're feeling in the face of these romantic and professional developments actually means, and whether that excitement is genuinely a sign that they should go through with the dramatic change they're contemplating: divorce, for Michael; quitting and retraining, for Dana.
In situations like these, it's hard to gauge how much other factors in the equation contribute to the appeal of whatever's drawing us in. Dana, for instance, feels a deep sense of fulfillment when she writes — but it's possible that's precisely because it's a hobby, a break from her routine and from the responsibilities of her job, something whose appeal has nothing to do with the actual quality or success of her writing. In her work as a producer, by contrast, many people are waiting on her word, and if she messes up, it can lead to real financial damage and disappointment.
Similarly, Michael too feels a thrill and satisfaction from his secret affair, especially set against the backdrop of his long, monogamous marriage. He meets his lover in secret, for limited stretches of time, and the dramatic context only intensifies the excitement.
Will the hobby survive becoming a career?
Many of us have found ourselves in a situation like this, where it feels as if "the real thing" is hiding inside something or someone outside our routine. Volunteering, for instance, can offer a sense of purpose and serve as an altruistic counterweight to a career focused mainly on personal and financial gain. But if that same career-driven person switched to a full-time job at a non-profit, the day-to-day pressures and managerial responsibilities might well damage the very sense of fulfillment that originally came from volunteering as a selfless act.
Travel, too, represents a break from routine, or from everyday pressures. The fun and freedom of discovering new destinations is felt more strongly the more it contrasts with the structured routine of daily life. And yet most of us don't think about becoming tour guides, because we understand that if travel became our routine, or our livelihood, its thrill and enjoyment would suffer.
Like Dana, many people engage in arts like painting, writing, or music. Artistic pursuits provide a creative outlet, separate from one's career. That separation actually heightens the enjoyment of the art, since it exists purely for self-expression, free from the constraints of deadlines or the expectation that it generate income. The shift from amateur-artist status to professional-artist status can introduce tension and difficulty into what was once pure passion, and change how a person feels about their own art.
Fitness activities like running, yoga, or gym workouts are usually meant for personal wellbeing, and let us disconnect from work and from everyday stress altogether. Part of their appeal comes precisely from the fact that they're activities we choose freely. If a person decides to become a professional fitness trainer, or opens a gym expecting their whole life from now on to be one continuous workout, the need to deal with bookkeeping, receipts, hiring staff, marketing and so on can lead to real disappointment. The same holds for someone considering "professionalizing" their talent for throwing parties for friends, or turning their love of cooking into a business (as so many reality shows demonstrate).
That doesn't mean giving up is preferable
That said, sometimes the path to a better life does run through big changes, sacrifices, and risk-taking. There are a few criteria worth Michael and Dana keeping in mind as they consider making the big change in their lives:
Long-term satisfaction
Michael and Dana ask themselves whether the new activity or relationship will provide long-term fulfillment. Michael believes it will. He can picture himself and his new partner growing old together. He feels that he and his wife changed enormously over the 15 years since they met, and estimates that if they were meeting today for the first time, they wouldn't be drawn to each other or become a couple. Dana, by contrast, is less certain when she considers whether she can picture herself writing series for years and years to come.
Financial stability
Michael is aware that divorce carries dramatic financial consequences. But both he and his wife made decent money from a small exit, and he estimates that even after a separation he'll be able to support himself and those who depend on him.
Dana, on the other hand, knows that her standing as a producer is far more stable than her standing as a writer, and when she considers the worst-case financial scenarios that could unfold if she committed to writing full time, the change looks a lot less tempting.
Emotional and physical health
When Michael considers how divorce would affect his mental and physical health, he arrives at conflicting conclusions. On one hand, on the level of his own relationship, he's certain his situation would improve. But when he thinks about the impact on his children and extended family, he assumes the new situation would create a great deal of tension.
For Dana, a life as a writer would improve both her mental and physical health. As a producer she works insane hours, eats erratically, and has no time for exercise or even regular therapy sessions. As a writer, she'd have far more control over her life, and she knows her physical and emotional state would improve as a result.
More questions to ask
If you find yourselves at a crossroads like this, there are a few more questions worth asking yourselves:
How will the significant relationships in your life be affected by this change?
What professional or personal opportunities might you miss out on if you make this change, and are you prepared to live with that loss?
If this is a career change, is there actual demand in the field you want to move into?
Are you properly prepared for a change like this, in terms of the skills and knowledge it requires?
Will the change challenge you in a way that contributes to your growth, or is it just swapping one monotonous routine for another?
If the change doesn't work out as hoped, do you have an exit strategy?
Could there be a "trial period," where you just try the new thing out, before you make any irreversible decisions?
And the most important question of all: is falling in love with a new person or a new pursuit actually a signal that something in your current situation needs repair and attention — rather than an indication that you need a change this drastic?
Falling in love (with a person or a pursuit) can serve as a temporary escape from unresolved problems, or from a broader dissatisfaction with life. If Dana is unhappy at her job, she's at greater "risk" of getting swept up in her enthusiasm for writing, because writing seemingly offers the relief and excitement missing from her professional life. If Michael is exhausted and depressed from his role as a father to young children, a company CEO, a partner to a wife who's grown less enchanted with him, and a son to an aging, dependent mother, it's possible that the powerful pull toward his new lover is less a sustainable new romantic direction than a distraction from those very difficulties.
New pursuits or new relationships often enter our lives wrapped in idealization. Without the full picture, or an understanding of the underlying complexity, it's easy to overlook potential difficulties. What's more, building resilience and finding satisfaction within existing circumstances can often lead to greater long-term fulfillment than changing course altogether.
So, did they live happily ever after?
After a deep process of self-examination, once the noise was filtered out, Michael decided to end his marriage and start a new chapter with his girlfriend. He decided that even if falling in love can be impulsive and fleeting, his decision was grounded in genuine goals and long-term commitment. Michael felt that even if he experienced regret down the road, that wouldn't necessarily be a sign he'd made a mistake.
Dana, on the other hand, came to understand that what she actually needed wasn't to trade in her professional landscape entirely, but to demand changes within her current job. Over time, she managed to build herself a better working environment, one that led to meaningful, lasting satisfaction. She's glad she didn't abandon her job in favor of writing, even though it had seemed more appealing in the short term. She now writes, in her free time, a series about a producer who joins a production company and transforms its professional culture.
Originally published in Haaretz on April 11, 2024.