Surviving Isolation Together: Expert Tips for Couples During the Corona Crisis

Emotionally Focused Therapists Share Strategies to Navigate Stress and Strengthen Relationships in Quarantine

The corona crisis has many psychological consequences: realistic fears of the disease, anxiety about apocalyptic scenarios, stress around tangible or potential damage to income, and dealing with dramatic disruptions in personal and business plans. When you add the element of isolation that forces stressed people to live together for two weeks without being able to vent, literally, the flame under this psychological cauldron intensifies.

As a marriage and family therapist, I know that even without the coronavirus, a crowded family stay is not an easy challenge. In the past, I have already written about the fact that after Rosh Hashanah and Passover, there is an increase in the opening of divorce cases in Israel. On the occasion of the dramatic developments, I convened the virtual tribal council of emotionally focused couple therapists and asked them to contribute their professional experience to couples who have to survive isolation. Here are their tips.

Aliza Ohion Ovadia: Talk About the Concerns

Couples who go into isolation are somewhat similar to couples who are about to move in together and fear the intensity. Many times, in both cases, one party is afraid of having to share a common space without a break, while the other party is happy about the change and is hardly bothered by it.

My main advice is not to ignore the fear but to talk about it. It is very important that each partner can express their fears. If you are not dealing with an illness but only with preventive isolation, you should also give room for positive expectations about the good things that can happen during the time together.

On the technical aspect, if the apartment space allows it, I recommend defining areas intended for private use by those who need quiet. Creating such a separation is a healthy means that allows movement of closeness and distance.

Ballots for people in home isolation in Jerusalem, March 2020. The experience of isolation can evoke feelings of fear, anger, sadness, and pain. Photo: Ohad Zweigenberg

Diana Idelman: Be Creative

I share the following advice with hesitation because it is clear to me that it may be perceived as unrealistic or irrelevant to those in isolation. These tips are based on my personal fantasies, and I qualify them in advance. They may stem from my wish to help people in this difficult and sensitive situation and the helplessness they must feel in this unexpected situation.

After the apology, I will say that isolation can be a very strange and very special opportunity to be creative in the shared space. Usually, there are closets to organize, paperwork to go through, and bank accounts to review. It is also an opportunity to have a joint Skype call with friends who live abroad.

You can choose a movie every day to watch together, watch TED lectures on any topic in the world that interests you, and schedule joint time to watch and focus on the experience together. For couples with adult children, I recommend an evening of "36 questions" to get to know each other better. This questionnaire originally designed for strangers increases intimacy.

My main recommendation is to remember that this is an opportunity to learn something new from your spouse. Teach them to do household tasks you are tired of or something they have never done before (cooking, baking, using certain software, playing poker, etc.). Of course, this is also an opportunity to play board games, build a music playlist for each other, play songs everyone likes, and dance together in the living room. Make the event a celebration. Amid all this, it is important to have time alone for meditation, prayer, and occasionally conversations with those in the outside world, to practice and work.

Halit Kadosh: Share Feelings Without Criticism or Judgment

The corona epidemic is changing the reality of our lives moment to moment. The experience of isolation may make the partner feel alone and evoke emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, and pain. The health and economic consequences at the national and international levels may affect anyone, and naturally, these feelings also affect the relationship.

The natural tendency of all of us is to release emotional loads in the presence of those close to us. But this kind of release may produce an emotional storm, hurt, and result in fights. Being able to talk about what each of you feels is very helpful in reducing stress, so try to talk about the fear, apprehension, and stress from uncertainty and loss of confidence. Share your feelings with each other without judgment or criticism. Avoid dismissive statements like "you're exaggerating," "you're hysterical," or "calm down already." Presence and mutual understanding will reduce the intensity of negative emotions and greatly strengthen the sense of togetherness, which is so necessary in times of crisis.

Lina Lifshitz: Remember That Isolation is a Temporary Situation

Nobody likes to be on forced leave, but with a hand on our heart—how much time do we have to spend together without worrying about a thousand and one other things? For some families, isolation will be a formative experience, while for others, it will raise tension levels and make the atmosphere more explosive. This matter is even more disturbing when you remember that home isolation is only part of the current reality, which for some can be financially and health-threatening.

I suggest you be attentive to the concerns and worries of your partners and remember that this is a temporary situation. Identify possible weak points and spend time thinking about the things that can help you—together and individually—in dealing with the difficulties. Prepare a list of relaxing activities that relieve stress and tension, which isolation conditions can also allow. And most importantly, stay healthy.

Amalia Rosenblum: Avoid Negative Loops

In conclusion, I would like to introduce the wise advice of my colleagues into the language of emotion-focused therapy, which you are familiar with from previous lists. In any meaningful and long-term relationship, loops are created between people, i.e., repetitions of patterns. The loops arise from two basic human conditions: the first is that we are almost never the same as the person closest to us in terms of our abilities, traits, or situation, and the second means that our behavior in any situation is influenced by the behavior of the other people in it.

For example, if I am in isolation and feel more anxious than my partner, my underfunctioning may put him into overfunctioning. If my partner needs more privacy than I do, his seeking distance may increase my attempt to create closeness.

Loops in themselves are not negative or positive; they are simply a fact. The danger always lies in the fixation of roles, which reduces the potential of each of us. In a relationship, the great danger is that we differ from each other in the way we deal with a sense of threat to the relationship.

In most couples, one side regulates itself by getting together and venting, while the other side regulates itself by closeness. The problem is that the way one calms themselves sets off the other's alarms.

Physical proximity increases the risk of infection not only with Corona but also with stress reactions and the worsening of the negative loop. When my friends recommend that you talk about your fears and acknowledge the difficulty, I suggest you observe both the fears and the way you deal with them through the perspective of your personal coping style and the negative loop you may get caught in. This context will reduce the risk of blame and increase your chances of uniting forces against this external stressor until the rage passes.