Practical Advice for Couples in Quarantine: Managing Challenges and Strengthening Bonds

Insights from EFT Therapists for Couples Struggling During the Pandemic

About two weeks ago, following the publication of my previous article gathering advice from top colleagues for couples in quarantine, I received a justified complaint from one of the couples I care for. "What should we do with your and your friends' advice?! These are tips for do-gooders! We haven’t been able to implement any of the things they recommended."

Since this couple is charming and committed, it was clear to me that if they feel this way, they are likely not alone. Inspired by them, I once again reached out to the tribe of EFT therapists in Israel, asking for advice suitable for couples in more difficult situations, where the pandemic has significantly strained their relationship.

Ofra Kola: Create a Couple's Space Where External Influences Are Dimmed

"Creating a couple's space is extremely important. It can be a morning coffee, evening wine, or a cigarette on the balcony. In this small space, there are no arguments or calculations. It doesn’t matter if the meeting is short or long; what matters is that the couple decides in advance when and where it will take place, as this has the potential to connect them.

"This space creates an experience of marital success because there are no high expectations from it. Remember, nothing is fundamentally decided in the marital relationship now. The goal is to get through the closure with minimal damage to the relationship."

Vivi Shmueli: Avoid Assumptions and Keep an Open Mind

"You are in an unfamiliar situation under conditions of uncertainty, causing stress and anxiety. The longer this continues, the lower your frustration threshold becomes, and your reservoir of empathy depletes. Although you are both in the same boat, each experiences its upheavals differently. Therefore, don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling and what they need. Share openly (without criticism) what you are going through, what challenges you, what you need, and how your partner can help fulfill this need."

Lina Lifshitz: Armistice and Joining Forces in the Face of Difficulty

"Think of this period as an emergency requiring a truce between spouses. Extreme situations often force parties to join forces against a common enemy. Use this time for recalculation and unification to get through this difficult period in peace. Determine topics that are not discussed and agree on those that require immediate attention. Be aware that this temporary situation can suspend old conflicts until you have more internal resources."

Hadas Grouper: Focus on Improving Feelings

"Your partner might be at a point where they can't help you as much as you expect. You might be doing more than them, and they might struggle to deal with the situation. Now is not the time for reckoning. Concentrate on yourself and create 'air to breathe' through conversations with friends, reading a book, or taking a long bath. Don’t lash out at your partner, as this will deplete your limited resources further. If anger overwhelms you, write a detailed letter and give it to them when things have calmed down."

Yoav Zeidan: Share Parenthood and Find Moments of Silence

"Divide child responsibilities clearly to avoid both spouses being constantly busy with childcare. Release responsibility for the children to one parent and see what happens when you have a day off from parenting. Make sure the favorite foods of each family member are at home for moments of comfort. Couples need time together without words; even if you live in an apartment, silent time together is essential. Agree to personal needs, whether together or individually, to release calming chemicals."

Tami Avihil: Understand the Importance of 'Time Out'

"It’s critical to understand the element of 'time out.' This isn’t about moving away from the relationship or sweeping problems under the carpet but showing concern for the relationship. Communicate this clearly during calm times, not in the middle of conflict. Set regular times to be together and agree on how to use this time. Create moments of aloneness to recharge. Use concrete solutions for task division, ensuring everyone is involved and minimizing conflicts."

Aliza Ohion Ovadia: Take Emotional Risks to Reduce Stress

"Be responsible for bringing concern, compassion, and attention into the marital space. Don’t wait for the other party. Taking emotional risks and showing vulnerability can reduce tension. Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll know you did your best."

Aya Schmidt: Map Problematic Issues and Find Regular Couple Time

"According to therapist John Gutman, over 80% of issues that cause couples to argue will remain central throughout their relationship. Map these issues and decide to set them aside until the end of the crisis. Ensure daily family time, personal time, and couple time. Divide couple time into intimate moments and joint activities like creating a family diary."

Carmit Alboim: Create a Unified Front in Parenting

"Many parents struggle with the constant presence of everyone at home, leading to conflicts. Have conversations without the children present about what to ask of them and agree to form a unified parental front during this emergency. Support each other’s decisions to avoid conflicts."

Jordana Weisberg: Share with People Outside the Relationship

"Your differences are your strength. Sharing with friends, coworkers, family, and virtual connections can help manage the emotional burden and maintain a sane relationship."

My Personal Advice:

I read the advice from my colleagues and see wisdom and goodwill. My suggestion is two exercises I've mentioned before: one to improve verbal communication and one to enhance physical communication. These exercises are highly effective and adaptable to any relationship situation. Good luck!