Navigating the Painful Reality of Ghosting

Understanding and Managing the Emotional Impact of Being Ignored

We've all done it at some point in our lives. We hate to have it done to us, but we all do it. I was there too, although when someone did it to me, I wanted to go to her house with a can of kerosene and matches. I'm talking about ghosting: disappearing from all communication channels that connect us with another person with whom we have some kind of relationship—social, professional, or romantic.

The first time this happened to me was with a married woman who one day stopped answering my messages. It took me a while to realize that the blue check marks didn't just disappear from the messages I sent her—she had blocked me. She wasn't particularly warm to begin with, and in the end, it was nice not to see her name on my phone. Still, I walked around for days with a dull anguish and shock about the way she cut me out of her life without even respecting me with a message and an explanation (you know, "after everything I've done for her?!").

On the other hand, I admit that I did it too, in a professional context. It was a relationship that started out reasonable but became irrationally competitive, forcing me to spend too much time mitigating the damage the competition had done. During one of these episodes, I read my son the book "Anonymous with the Big Mouth" written by his grandfather. We got to the part where Anonymous Bluff, who likes to bluff a lot, says that he met a dragon in the forest. And how did he get out of this unfortunate encounter? He said to the dragon: "You didn't see me, I didn't see you," and walked away.

At that moment, I realized the appeal of ghosting, although at the time I didn't even know it had a name. I simply stopped responding to her messages. I have to admit that it was a positive and empowering experience. I understand the attraction.

When it comes to relationships that have had some sympathy and closeness, at least for a while, I do not recommend the strategy of Anonymous Bluff. Unilateral disappearance, without warning and without explanation, can cause a lot of pain to the other party. Although it is impossible to compare the emotional toll different people experience, I dare to say that the price paid by the one who is ghosted is higher than what the disappearing person would have paid if they had dared to explicitly and reasonably explain why they decided to end the relationship.

For those who cut the relationship in this brutal way, many times this step feels much more passive and therefore less burdensome on the conscience. If I have to tell someone that I don't want to continue seeing them, it's an active matter that requires me to be prepared, aware, and willing to contain some kind of response. But if I just disappear, I can push the relationship and its expectations to the margins of my consciousness again and again. However, if we think deeply about it, in most cases, people who ghost are not really saving themselves from a terrible drama. In today's world, most of us are able to respond with relative maturity to someone who disappoints us, and that's it. That is, be an adult, send one WhatsApp message, and the matter is behind you.

It is much more difficult to be on the other side of the barricade. Why? There are many reasons. One is that the opposite of love is not hatred and anger but indifference. As long as someone actively relates to us and expresses a desire to move away, we still feel some trace of emotion towards us, even if that emotion is negative. But when we are ignored, we realize that the person is truly not interested in us. This can help us accept the situation if we have an emotional disorder, such as borderline personality disorder, but for most of us, this insult is unnecessary, and we will not chase after someone who does not want us (or we will chase a little, but there is no fear that we will cook their pet rabbit).

One of the particularly infuriating points about ghosting is the lack of explanation. It can sound like an excuse: "Come on, admit that what hurts you is the rejection, not the way it was done." But this is not true! We are social creatures, and meaningful social connections are essential to our survival. This is why our brains are busy maintaining our social place. Rejection is a very painful and frightening matter, and in order to regain balance, the brain needs to find an explanation for the rejection.

Receiving such an explanation allows us to reorganize in a way that will reduce the risk of experiencing this painful experience again. Whether the conclusion is to avoid entering professional relationships with someone who is conducting a lawsuit against two previous partners, or not to send emails to the mother of the guy you went out with twice.

Because we don't have this information, the blow expands inward into the soft tissues of our psyche. Not only do we wonder about the meaning of the connection we thought we had, but ghosting also makes us doubt ourselves, our ability to correctly read the environment, the social signals we receive, and control the ones we transmit.

Bottom line: the next time someone ghosts you, block them immediately and disappear them from your life. In this act, they gave you valuable information about themselves, and it is better that it happened now than later. It really says more about them than about you. And the next time you are going to ghost someone, for your mother's sake, get over yourself.