How to Convince Your Partner to Make a Change: Resolutely and Slowly

Practical Tips for Encouraging Positive Life Changes Without Resorting to Ineffective Tactics

One of the questions I am often asked by email is how to convince a partner to do something they are not eager to do. Most of the time, the question is about convincing them to go to therapy, but sometimes it’s about getting them to stop smoking weed, stop drinking, start exercising or meditating, or start managing their debts. Most of the people who ask describe their failed attempts in the past, and you can hear a familiar combination of worry and despair in their descriptions.

The combination of desperation and worry leads people to use two main tactics when trying to convince a loved one to make a change: encouragement (focusing on the benefits of the change) and threats (highlighting the consequences of not making the change). However, these tactics often don't work. From my perspective, this failure is predictable.

Why Encouragement and Threats Don't Work

Encouragement is based on the mistaken assumption that what prevents a person from making a change is not pressing hard enough on the metaphorical gas pedal. Both the persuader and the person being persuaded may share this misconception, leading to grandiose decisions about making complete changes immediately. However, few people can sustain such big changes. The road to significant changes starts with setting achievable goals because improving the sense of ability is crucial for building motivation.

But the secondary problem is not the main issue here. What I want to emphasize is that in most cases, the person already has plenty of motivation. So, why are they not progressing? The real reason for the lack of progress is that while one foot is on the gas pedal, the other foot is pressing hard on the brake pedal. In other words, there is no lack of encouragement; what needs to be done is to understand the barrier and address it.

Identifying and Addressing Barriers

Sometimes the barrier is simply logistical, such as needing help to get started ("Can you find me the relevant emails from the accountant? My eyes get dark when I sit down in front of the email"), needing support ("Can you check with me once a week if I have done my meditation?"), or needing someone to make an introduction ("Can you write to the yoga teacher and tell him I'll call?"). However, sometimes the barrier is deeper and more emotional, such as fear of failure, searing shame (e.g., about addiction, deep debt, or excess weight), or despair. In these cases, empathy is crucial.

Threats usually strengthen resistance. The deeper flaw in using threats is that reality does not need a spokesperson. Instead of threatening ("this is the last time I'm reminding you to talk to the bank"), it makes more sense to ensure the person does not lack information. Then, you must think about what it means for you if your partner does not take your advice, and how you will deal with this outcome.

For example, if your partner drinks too much, their continued drinking may emotionally impact the children. You might need to contact a child psychologist to help mediate the partner's behavior. If your partner refuses to manage their financial debts, this might mean you cannot meet your payments, and you may need to involve their parents, even if they do not want it. The key is to focus on the natural consequences of the partner's choices, not as punishment but as reality-based outcomes.

Encouraging Therapy

I often get asked how to encourage someone to go to therapy. Here are some small tips: Talk about therapy matter-of-factly and do not assume it shames the person. Emphasize that therapy is support for the many challenges they face, not a cure for a personality flaw. And most importantly, be the change you want to see in your partner. If you want them to exercise more, focus on enjoying your exercise. If you want them to smoke less, show them how good you feel because of your healthy habits. If you want them to go to therapy, demonstrate how therapy has positively impacted your life.

By behaving in a way that makes your partner want to feel as good as you do, you can encourage them to follow your lead. Just like the famous scene in "When Harry Met Sally," they should feel, "I want what she’s having."