Customer Service Wisdom for Handling Difficult Family Members During Holiday Meals

In honor of the many holiday meals, which sometimes force us to deal with our most problematic and aggressive family members, I have collected some tips from people who do it professionally all year round—the customer service people.

Don't take it to heart.

When I unsuccessfully tried to disconnect from Bezeq and told the company representative that she had 60 seconds left before our call ends, I wasn't really angry with her personally but expressed my dissatisfaction with the situation. If she was offended, she hid it well. If she had been hurt, the situation would have escalated. Similarly, if you spent many hours preparing the meal and the first thing your mother says is that the soup is not hot enough and the wine is not cold enough, the basic position that is recommended to be adopted from customer service wisdom is not to take it personally or at least not to show that you are offended.

Let them express themselves.

When I told the representative of the telephone company how many times I waited at home for a technician who didn't come, how many soccer goals my family members missed because of the failed internet infrastructure that the provider offered, and emphasized that in my experience I work part-time for them, her listening made it very easy for me. After the initial fervor, my enthusiasm died down, and the details of all the wrongs allegedly caused by them began to seem less critical.

You can see this happening at home as well. When one of the parents says that the soup is not hot enough, the wine is not cold enough, your sister's daughter is not married enough, the rent you pay is too high in relation to the deteriorating condition of your house, or you have not gotten back into shape fast enough since birth, your instinct is not to let the parent in question finish the trial.

Listen actively.

Active listening is a very difficult skill to develop and apply with relatives. The basic idea is that instead of sitting there while your right-wing brother-in-law criticizes your political positions and remembering how ten years ago on Rosh Hashanah you made mushrooms in Thailand, you should concentrate on his clunky arguments and show him that you are really listening.

Customer service representatives who regularly encounter critical people like your brother-in-law know that it's not recommended to roll your eyes when they speak, but you also shouldn't smile excessively at them. You will be surprised to know how easy it is to sense that a smile is fake. Imagine that you are complaining about a canceled flight, and you notice that the airline representative is bored or impatient—how will you react? Everything that applies to you in this context applies to the brother-in-law who explains for the thousandth time why no one can replace Bibi.

Show empathy.

It may be that in your eyes there is no problem with the way you and your husband vote, perhaps for you the singleness of your sister's daughter is not a problem, and it is possible that you think that the rent you pay is not too high in relation to the value. But a customer who makes an issue of something insignificant will not calm down if he is told this. Vice versa.

When your mom sips the gazpacho and says it's not cold enough, it's a good idea to listen to her inner customer service representative and tell her: "Mom, I understand you didn't expect this." When your father says that vegetarianism is not healthy, listen to the representative in you and reply: "Dad, I hear that as much as you know vegetarianism is not healthy, and it bothers you to think that we and your grandchildren eat in an unbalanced way."

Propose a plan of action.

Following on from the previous point, when I complain to a customer service representative, I expect her to explain to me how the company intends to act on my behalf. Maybe she will give me a refund, send a technician free of charge, or offer some kind of discount. If the representative on the phone is professional, she will ask me if this solution satisfies me.

It's hard to imagine a refund that I can give to my father or how I can send a technician to my mother, but it all depends on the context—there are other ways to compensate those who have been harmed. Maybe there is another bottle of colder white wine in the fridge, and you can just open a bottle of red wine. I can suggest to the father that he send me the article he read about the health harms of vegetarianism or assure him that I will be extremely careful that his grandchildren do not live only on pasta. And in situations where it is relevant, implement the action plan as quickly as possible to reduce objections.

Hack them.

Customer service representatives know that even if it doesn't solve the problem, many times a gift certificate softens the situation. The gift certificate you can give your horrid guests has many faces: maybe they just need more attention, a longer time to tell their heavenly story, or more compliments on the ice cream flavors they chose and brought for dessert.

Transfer to the supervisor.

When the representative fails to calm the nervous customer, he can always transfer him to a supervisor. In many families, brothers and sisters or spouses develop the skill in transferring difficult customers between them. My recommendation is to establish the hierarchical chain before the holiday meal and decide who is responsible for which problematic guest, and who steps in to rescue the person in charge if necessary.

It is clear that this list of recommendations is difficult to implement and may seemingly give these situations an inauthentic character, a kind of forced "American" feeling. But the truth is that when you learn how to appease your annoying family member, you protect the rest of the family. Instead of forcing them to witness a distressing scene or eye rolls, you teach the little ones how to distinguish between what is important to take care of and save your energies for all those who think your house is crazy, that your soup is delicious, and that your children eat well. Only about the wine, you could have made more of an effort.